H-Babe in his crib.

Haidan sleeps in his crib. Don't ask me how I managed to do it but it's done. I miss him dearly, his warm and soft little body beside mine. Now I'm stuck, alone, with a big warm soft body instead :)
I have the best mother in the whole wide world who, if it weren't for her help and strength, trained both H-babe and I to sleep in our own bed and room. Now that we finally have a room for him to sleep in, it only made sense that it was time to start him being a big boy in his own room. It was hard, and I think it probably contributed to a lot of the tears that were happening before we moved last weekend, but I am totally thankful that it's happened. I haven't slept 6 hrs, even 8 hrs straight in 11 months (or more if you count the end of pregnancy when you get up to pee every hour or can't get comfortable, or some little baby is kicking you in the ribs), let me tell you, it feels SUPER weird. I almost feel like I'm over sleeping. You know when you sleep like 10 hours and are like "Well I really didn't need that much sleep and now I'm yawning all day long" yeah, that's where I'm at. My body is slowly getting used to it though (it probably doesn't help that I have a video monitor so when I roll over in bed I can check out the babe sleeping like a champ) and I know in a few months I'll love it! I feel refreshed and have more energy (without sugar's help) that's for sure!
So let me share how this all went down:

• On Saturday when we moved my mom stayed over night and showed me the ropes. We did bath, book (facing out, not against her/my chest) sang some book songs quietly, and bed. Of course he cried because he wasn't happy about being alone in an echoing bedroom, so we checked on him after 2 minutes.
• As he stood at the railing we gave him a little hug, Shh-ed in his ear and said "Shh Shh, sleepy sleepy" and layed him down to rest. Of course he stood right back up as we were walking out and started to cry again. (This is where for the first two days I would burst into tears because I am a huge wimp now that I'm a mom. I'd start the stop watch on my phone and wait ever so anxiously for it to hit the 4 minute mark.) If he cried consistently for 4 minutes we went back in and did the same thing.
• Night number one he woke up probably 4 times that we actually went after 5 minutes of consistent crying in to give him a hug and calm him down. This eventually got to be less and less and now he sleeps on his own through the night.
• Day two: I am completely exhausted because I couldn't sleep knowing he was upset in his bed alone and scared and thinking I wasn't going to come back... (ok, I'm exaggerating and he was totally fine) he was tired and moody, but that was to be expected because we were in a new place and he didn't get much sleep. By the night time it took about 30 minutes to fall asleep (we checked on him 3 times) (we started using the noise maker on the rain setting and the video monitor)
• Day three: I'm moody and still very tired. It takes 10 minutes for him to fall asleep. But he's sitting up and when he nods off to sleep he bonks his head. My mom sneeks in and moves him, he's asleep for the night. ("They" say it takes 3 days to break a bad habit. Consider this habit broken. Minus the sleeping sitting upright)
• Day four: I do the whole routine 100% by myself and sleep in my own bed (I was sharing the bed with my mom like a baby, because it is right next to babe's room). He sleeps through the night with only 10 minutes of on and off crying.

Let me say, I 100% do not feel comfortable with the cry it out method. When my mom was doing the routine the first two nights I was pissed off and upset and was like " OK cool so now my happy baby is going to be traumatized and upset and hate me forever and be scared of the dark. GREAT!" But now I understand that he just wasn't happy 1)not being attached to my boob. 2)not sleeping right beside me (and being warm between W and I) 3)being in an echoing room (we're working on fixing that) 4) putting himself to sleep lying down 5)not being on the boob... oh wait.

So maybe when he's older I will have to deal with him being scared of the dark, or being scared to be without me, or something like all the horrible things I'm imagining... but no one knows what will actually happen until that time comes. 

My mom. I cannot thank her enough, give her a big enough gift, repay her enough, say how grateful i am... She did remind me though, that I am HER baby, and when I cry she feels the heart strings tugging just like I do when H-babe cries. So I guess this means that when H and his future wife have a baby that won't sleep alone... I get to help!! (And help I will!) She is the best, I am so thankful that she is my mom, and I hope that I can live to fill her shoes!

The HylariBerry Move 2013

Well we've gone and done it. Moved into a much bigger house, with 3 bedrooms and 1.5 bathrooms. Basement, real kitchen, living room, a real adult house. 
Moving is for SURE not the same as it used to be now that H is here. I used to move into a new place, clean it, then start unpacking and painting and before the weekend was over it would feel like home. This time it's a little different, and a little harder. For starters our stuff was thrown into garbage bags. Then we couldn't really unpack because there was still some of W's mom's things there (we switched homes with her, what a great gift!!). Then there was the whole baby thing, he was so excited to be in a big space to crawl and walk around in I was running around him picking up all the un-safe and breakable things in his path.
Already we've painted a LOT. (by we I mean W. I haven't touched a paint brush... but I'm doing the baby thing so that counts for something right? YEAH) I unpacked our clothes into the new huge closet. HUGE. And H's room is set up, but not decorated in very much because I don't have the furniture pieces we need yet. And now W is doing the kitchen. I mean this man, I'm SO lucky to have him, he primed and painted the whole basement in one night. Then primed and painted the front hall way and stair way in one day. Now he's priming, painting the cupboards and putting a butcher block wood instead of the current counter top. HOLY BATMAN! All that is left so far is the spare bedroom paint and our bedroom paint (we have to pick out the colours still... no rush really).

 Green basement aka daycare room. Can't WAIT to decorate it!

Top left: H's sweet yellow room, spare bedroom that needs paint.
Bottom left: our huge (packed still) closet that we have SO much space in, and our bedroom. It's a weird shape so I couldn't get the whole room in, but it's huge and sweet and we might put a chair in here. And paint...

(P.S I didn't mention that decorating is another love/hate relationship for me. I have really great ideas but actually finding the pieces or knowing what to do with them when I find them is TOTALLY different. I wish my pinterest boards would just come to life in my house. Ahck)

I can't wait to share more before and after photos. I seriously am so thankful to be here. It's like a breath of fresh air. Literately because we aren't down-town it's fresher air! And there's a park like 5 min walking. AND two great joe fresh's within a 10 minute drive. I can't wait for nice weather!!!

Another note: H is sleeping in his crib, in his own room, which is another huge huge huge step in our lives. I have slept with him every day of his 11 month life, I miss him but it really is for the best. I sware he's grown just in the week we've been here! Starting at 7:30pm (because it's still light out) we have a bath, read 3 books in our bed, then he's in his crib and I go in to check on him if he's really upset. Here's a funny picture of our video monitor, he falls asleep sitting up, which I'm sure has some issues but I'm hoping he will eventually learn that it feels better to be flat on his back to sleep... He sometimes wakes up at night and sits up and then bonks his head on the side rails so I go in and lie him down again. Silly boy. 
This is him in the left bottom corner you can see his head, facing the wall, sitting up, fully asleep. 

Running: a love/hate relationship

I enjoy running. I feel good while I do it, I feel good after I do it... I feel good talking about it. BUT I also hate the pains associated with it, and actually getting out and going for a nice long one. So that's that. The end.
Just kidding!
Now that I'm all old and motherly, I've learned that running with a mom-body is a little different than it used to be. First off, I really have to make sure my boobs are locked and loaded and ready to roll... ahem, run. Then there's all the new and super jiggly bits that I'm getting used to (and hoping they disappear asap). I have found though that there are some serious plus-sides and not-so-fun-sides to running. I made this list up yesterday while running ALONE for the first time since H-babe was born (almost a year ago... YIKES!)

Love running:

• putting on your favourite lululemon running gear and KNOWING you look just so fabulous!
• you feel SO good when you first start and you don't feel out of breath at all
• your body just does it naturally and you get into a sweet rythm
• when you pass people and feel 100x more confident in your abilities
• when you run with a stroller, you just know people going opposite you are all like "WHOA look at that momma go!" and you've inspired them to go faster/further
• the sunshine on your face (an obvious one)
• when you set a goal spot in your head to stop for your first break and then you reach it and are able to go further
• when other people smile/nod/wave as you pass
• you make it WAY further than you thought you could 
• you add some hill training onto the end because its a beautiful day and nothing can stop you now!
• when you realize you've been running without music (then remind yourself to get some running tunes pronto)

not-so-much-love running:

• it's spring, so you know that smell of manure... it's actually melting dog shit that no one picked up... that is now getting all over your shoes and back of your legs along with all the dirt on the path too.
• when you get a cramp and can't fix it
• when you can feel your bum jiggle more than your boobs (which aren't jiggling because they're so well locked into spot)
• you forget to bring water because you're not with your well packed stroller
• when people older than you pass you (but they're super fit so don't feel too ashamed)
• you are forced to run though a yucky looking puddle
• birds are following you and getting WAY too close for comfort
• when you don't have a running buddy to chat with on your 1 minute walking breaks

On another note I am super sore and loving it.I wanted to add that I have completed a marathon, half-marathon, 5km, and 2 triathlons, but this summer will be my FIRST half-marathon with one super cute baby (and his daddy) cheering me on, and I seriously cannot wait! I hope he has good memories of when I run races and do triathlons, I know I have a lot of good memories of cheering my mom on. When I was old enough I also volunteered at races she was completing, and LOVED it. I hope H man follows in my footsteps!

 My 2010 Triathlons

My mom and I 2011 Ottawa Race Weekend Half marathon.

Baby steps!

Today, Monday March 25th you took your first steps alone. 
My boy, you are 10 months old and so strong and independent, I can't believe how fast you're growing right before my eyes! Your daddy has been walking with you for a few months now, and little bit by little bit you became stronger and faster and have been walking (with our help) for a long time now. It's funny how only a few months feels like a long time! Today your Gran held your one hand and you let go to walk to me. I have tears in my eyes just thinking of the happy (and a little in shock your self) look you had on your face! "Look am! No hands!" I know I'll hear it soon enough!

Please stop growing my sweet boy. I'm going to miss all these little things about you! (I can't wait to show your dada the new tricks you've learned!) 
We had a fun play date with your four girlfriends; Cora, Wanona, Sophia, and Sasha. You ate their food (so nice of them so share!) and chatted up a storm. You even went the whole day (8am-6:20pm) with no boob!!
Talk about leaps and bounds!
We will keep busy my boy, because I know you are a social baby just like your momma!
I love you with all my heart, I can't wait until tomorrow to see what new adventures we will share.
Xoxo times 46382146482724648276465837464738464719101927475 

Momma

Flying with H-babe and tips for traveling with yours

As most of you know, W and I took a little trip to Vegas the end of February and of course we brought along little Haidan babe. At the time he was 9.5months and starting to cut his two top teeth. Fun right? Actually, YES it was great fun!
I have some tips and things to keeps mind when you fly with a baby... As if I'm an expert... I'm not, but this is my experience!
We used W's aeroplan points to buy my ticket so the flight times were super weird. I was also going to fly alone. Neither are ideal but we booked a flight that was during when H would sleep. We left Ottawa at 1pm (he was asleep) and got into Newark during dinner, our ne t flight was at 6 and we got into Vegas at 9pm their time. H slept during both flights for at least an hour, and when we arrived in Vegas he was asleep and had so much fun flying that he stayed asleep all the way to the condo and through the night! Hurray! I didn't bring my suitcase (w brought it the next day on his flight for free) so in my carry on I needed to have the essentials.

In my backpack:
Tooth brush
Contacts case with juice in it already (and eye drops just incase)
Glasses in my makeup case
Tank and undies for me for the next day
One change of clothes for H
10 diapers and a half full pack of wipes
Change pad (diapers, wipes, change pad all fit into a little bag I had so it was easy to take to the planes potty)
One stuffie, Sophie, and teething rings to play with
iPad with entertaining games
Cell phone (on airplane mode so that I didn't get charged roaming)
Passports and letter from W saying I could travel with H alone... Yes I needed it
Wallet with $30 American
6 squeezer food things for H-babe (I ate one when I felt sick and hungry and he was sleeping)

Clearly the bare essentials. It worked and worked WELL! I was impressed by how easy the flight was. I couldn't tell you the tricks to keeping a baby happy because quite honestly, I have no idea how I did it. I offered the boob at any flinch of a fuss, which maybe helped? Haidan is a super social, happy most of the time, easy to please kinda baby anyways so I was very very lucky. The worst thing that happened was he had a poop blow out on our second flight. I waited too long to change him because there was a line up at the bathrooms... Lesson learned! 

One of the most important things I would encourage any traveling for the first time parent: keep calm and stay happy. I was smiling and calm and forced myself to just laugh and talk to people (because I was alone and needed conversation) and knew that it could be worse! I also was positive in my thinking "We are lucky enough to go on a trip, I am fortunate enough to have travel experience already, I am social anyways and not afraid to ask for help, I have a happy baby, I am a confident parent (I'm not, but I tell myself I am so that I will be haha ), I CAN do this!!,"

Time flies

It's so sad isn't it. But also exciting because as the time flies by, things are changing, growing, evolving into something great, and before you know it it's March! I seriously can't get over the fact that in two (really almost 1) I will have a one year old boy! It truly seems like just yesterday he was born. I taught him how to nurse. We coslept for the first time, and every day since. We brought him home to our tiny 715 sq ft condo. He played with bossy on the floor. 
 Now it seems like that was a million years ago. As if he's been in our lives forever! We know him, whathe wants and how he expresses himself. We know his funny faces, his mood swings, his giggles and his cries. Just Sunday he started to make strange with bossy (we've been without him for one or two months because he's a messy boy) and its so lovely to see them making friends again. We are out growing our little condo now as h-babe is wondering through and discovering where all the fun things are (ahem...dangerous things). 
I hope that as time keeps flying by, I continue to cherish every morning and every day that I get to spend alone with my boy. I know I complain about being lonely sometimes but I think about the day that I start my home daycare and other kids are in my care too (I can't wait, but it will also be sad). 

This little boy really truly makes life worth living. He reminds me with every curious step to devour life as every day is a gift and is worth exploring. His smile reminds me to stop worrying and live in the moment. His little koala clig reminds me to stop and hug the people I cherish in my life, because its important to feel loved. His cry reminds me that everything isn't always going to be easy, but that I'm doing a good job at keeping him happy. His determination to walk and squeeze between the tightest of places reminds me that everything worth fighting for is a challenge. 

I love this little boy, and the man that helped make him... Ok and raise him too! We are the perfect family and there's nothing I would change (ok, maybe I would add another girl...)! And we are pretty darn great if I do say so myself!

A step in the right direction

Ever feel like no matter what you do things just don't seem to work out? Or work out continuously? That's kinda me right now. Not saying that I will quit trying but it sure is bothersome! Maybe I need to look harder to see the light at the end of the tunnel!

My lovely babe goes through phases in his eating habits, and now that I think of it maybe I'm not listening enough to his ques, but it really is hard to keep track of when he wants to eat a lot vs when he's teething and doesn't want anything. My step in the right direction has been ordering "Squooshi" Squeezable packs but re-usable and freezer/dishwasher friendly! I'm saving $1.20-$1.60/pouch of ready made store bought food and now can mimic their blends and make it myself! While we were in Vegas H-babe loved them, and it's so portable!! I can't wait to get them in the mail! 

Check them out here

So this week (starting Monday aka yesterday) I decided that I want to start weaning him off the boob. By this I mean not feeding him every five seconds and instead offering either other food or a new activity. Yesterday it worked really well. I fed him at around 9am, went for a walk so he would fall asleep at 9:45, fed at 12:30/1:30 ish, slept again at 2:45 (late because we were at a play date), then fed at 7:30 then at bed time. HUGE improvement from every five seconds. I'm not lying, it seemed like every five minutes he wanted boob... Now he gets apple sauce, because that and Greek yogurt is all he will eat. I know, he should get more but I try! Today we both woke up sicker than yesterday, H-babe didn't wake until 8:30 so that set the schedule off a bit, but we are pretty well on track for the days of no boob! Hurrah! Re-direction is key to parenting! Plus it keeps things interesting! So anytime he starts to rip my shirt off I redirect him to food, play, or a walk!

This week is also "get off your ass and workout" week because I have be hugely slacking and though I haven't gained any weight (the scale is a lying whore that cannot be trusted) I do feel jiggle-ier than before. Add it to my list of things to do. This meant that on the super snowy day (Ottawa and area expecting approx. 1 million cm of snow) I walked uphill on the treadmill as fast as I could while carrying H-babe. He lasted about 25 minutes and I went for 40. Sweaty is an understatement. But it's done and over with. Next nap will include stairs, my old friend that has missed me so.

My goals for the rest of the week: workout every day (something, anything!), keep at the no boob in the days (stay strong and don't give up!), clean up toys during every "break". Next week will include cooking more aka at all!!

Friends

**I want to start with saying that I value my friends. This is NOT with an intention to hurt anyone's feelings or to have a pitty party. I am simply stating my feelings on a subject that has come up for me this morning.**

Watching Katie Couric this morning her topic was friends, she interviewed women who met online, women that had been friends for 50+ years and even her own best friend. It made me think about the friends I have and the people I consider my friends as of recently and an interesting conversation I had with a mom-friend of mine on Monday. I posted on instagram my instant feelings (haha get it? insta feelings) and decided that I have been away from my lovely blog for too long. Sorry Haidan but for the next 10 minutes you are playing alone!

I have a huge variety of people in my life that I consider friends. I have friends that I've known since public school as early as grade two, I have friends that I've know since high school, I had friends that I met in college (but they are few and far between because I was more concerned with my boyfriend at the time... dumb decision... oh well), I have friends that I've only known for the last three years (that are W's friends and I am lucky to be in their "group") and I have friends that I've worked with,  friends that I have made through mom club, friends that I've met in the library.

SO MANY FRIENDS! How lucky am I right? Totally lucky, except when I think of who I actually talk to and feel close with. I ran into a friend that I used to work with the other day and she said something that sparked in my head "I haven't seen you in almost a year, but I see all your postings on Instagram and Facebook so I feel like I totally know what's going on in your life". WHAT!? It's true. There are so many of my friends out there that I don't talk to every day, or even once a week, or even once a MONTH!

WHY? Why am I letting my friends miss out on my exciting life (or at least I think it's exciting, mainly only the Haidan part... but still). Why am I letting "I'm too busy... I've got a lot going on... I've got no time" be an excuse? You have no time to be my friend? Are we really that great of friends anyways?

I might be thinking to far into this but maybe I cling onto my "friends" for so long instead of letting them go because I'm an only child? I can honestly say that for almost every single person I call a friend, I would do ANYTHING for, give them anything I have to help make their life easier, celebrate moments in their life when I am invited to, help them in any way I can... but when it comes to exciting times in my life (Haidan's birth, my wedding etc.) I feel like it goes unnoticed or unacknowledged which makes me feel so unimportant. I often find myself saying to my mom (which totally makes me feel like a loser when I say it haha) "Mom, I try SO hard to do everything I can for _____, I call on their birthday, I buy gifts, I give them time, I go to their house instead of asking for them to come to mine, I do this I do that but they still just seem so busy. And when we do finally get together it feels like nothings changed and I love that, but why does it take SO much effort and work just to get together for an hour or two?" I know life takes effort and not everything is going to come easily, I'm not expecting it to. Maybe I'm delusional and maybe I'm the one that isn't making the friendship work?

People change. I have changed. Maybe instead of wishing and trying to make a friendship work, I need to learn to accept the friendships that have fizzled away? Maybe I need to be cherishing the friends I DO have in my life instead of trying so hard with the ones that aren't? This seems so negative but I don't mean it to be. I am learning to "LET GO". Let go of worries and things I cannot control. Maybe some friendships have an expiry date and I need to accept that we both have grown apart.

Forgive, for they know not what they do.

Day 1 Week 2

I don't really like this whole work out to be skinny thing. It kind of really isn't fun, and is hard, and kinda makes a bitch out of me. I mean, who really WANTS to workout all the damn time and sweat and never wear make up or have your hair done nice (because I quite frankly don't have time for that anymore...) and then not reward all your hard work with a cupcake or ice cream or chocolate? People actually enjoy this? OH wait, I used to be one of those people. 

 Thats the 22 flights of stairs I'm back to doing every other day after the gym... gurrrr

Don't get me wrong I have always loved cake and ice cream and sweets of any sort, but I used to really love working out and being active. What's changed? ME... my life, my priorities, my stamina, etc etc amen. I remember the good ol days when I worked for GoodLife at night (5pm-12pm) and I had all day to sleep in a little, work out for 2-3 hours doing a little cardio, a class, some weights, whatever I felt like! I felt SO good about myself and didn't see it as "working out", but more as "going to the gym to see my friends". Then when I started working at lululemon my love for fitness fit right in! AND I got to go to MORE classes and expand my fitness horizon. Now I just don't have hours on end to go and do fun things at the gym. I know what you're thinking: "Stephanie, you need to start making time for yourself you know" but it's not that easy!
WAIT
One of my new years resolutions was to stop complaining. So this isn't a complaint but just an observation. Life isn't the same, and thank goodness it isn't, because now I have a wonderful (sick, sleepy, cranky) perfect little baby who thinks I'm the coolest thing in the whole wide world. THAT is pretty great! 
Ok now back to "going to the gym".....

New Years Resolutions 2013

Day 1 week 1:
Today sucked. 
I mean it was a beautiful sunny day outside (not that I left the house at all...) and after a fun gathering of friends the night before we all got a decent sleep. Today was the first day of operation "no more flabby mommy" and it was not fun my friend. We woke up at 8:45am, headed to the gym in our building for a half hour cardio session, ate a delicious breakfast, cleaned the house, and by 1pm Haidan and I were both ready for a serious nap. Slept from 1-3:40pm then got at gym session number two of the day (weights and abs) and had another delicious meal.
I mean, I shouldn't really be complaining (one of my many new years resolutions) because I have a hubby who likes to cook delicious and healthy meals and train my big butt. I love that he is so willing to help me, but I hate that he's so damn good at it. I know it will get better, but seeing that light at the end of the tunnel is hard. Sometimes harder when you're trying to take care of a sick baby.
I think the big part of my misery today (and let me admit, I was a bitch today. Sorry Wayne!!) was that I knew "I'm on a diet, I'm hungry" I kept saying to myself. Was I really hungry? Or was I just thinking of all the delicious foods I will be trying SO SO SO hard not to eat for the coming year. Damnit I want cake and ice cream every day! Is that so bad? Yes.
Well that's all I have to say about that. (Thanks Gump!) (I also have to help my sick-ie baby and try to figure out how I'm going to start his routine again, and try to wean the boob, and get him sleeping in his crib and......)

Honest Monday

Today was a rough day, I don't know what it was about today but it was rough. Yesterday was not only Remembrance day, but also Haidan's 6 MONTH BIRTHDAY!!! WOW as if right? I seriously can't get over it... but moving on, let's get to the point here. I'm going to be honest...

I'm still living in September, back when Wayne was away for work for almost two straight weeks and I haven't worked out since then. I had convinced myself that I was ok with not working out and was feeling great because I was feeling a different kind of energized. I feel like I've been living my life a lot more and enjoying time with Haidan and our new mommy-baby friends every day. I've been finding new activities every day to do with Haidan and have truly been enjoying that. BUT... (my big ol butt) I'm not getting any smaller and I haven't been achieving any goals, and I'm starting to feel shitty again. I think about when I was pregnant (or even in the few weeks post post-partum) and I would say "OH by the time Haidan is 6 months I'll be so skinny again..." Yeah. friggin. right. friend.
Tomorrow I am getting back to the gym. I have been eating fairly healthily as I always do, but that's just not enough. I feel like this is a battle I might just be fighting for the rest of my years... is the light ever going to be at the end of this fatso tunnel? Gurr... 
I think another reason why I suddenly feel like crap is also because I'm getting married in 5 weeks and I KNOW that I won't look my greatest in pictures that are going to be shown for the rest of my life (and photo shop can only do so much... ha). I want Haidan to look back at pictures of our little city hall wedding and say "WOW mom you looked great!" but I know that won't happen... unless I get fatter by the time he would ever say that about me haha...
I miss my lululemon life that was full of working out either in sweet gyms, at the yoga studio of my choice, on a run with my friends or Wayne, etc etc... all things I am not doing. I used to set goals and achieve them. I used to strive to be an amazing person every single day. I used to try to inspire those around me. I used to dream big and shoot for the stars... I used to be a different person. My life has changed a lot, and I know that it's something that was obviously bound to happen (espicially since having a beautiful baby is WAY different than anything I've ever done) but sometimes I think about how much I wish I could have just a little bit of it back. I look at pictures of myself (when I thought I was fat then...) and think WOW I look so damn small... not encouraging to say the least but in a weird twisted way it is a little bit of an inspiration. If only I could get to the gym as much as I would like... 

Here are my new goals that I am going to try my hardest to achieve.

• Work out for a total of 150 minutes each week (That's 2.5 hours in a 6 day week... sundays off!)
• Sweat once a day
• Maintain my Haidan-mommy adventure activities each week
• Register for a running room half marathon clinic (18 week training program)
• Breath and let go. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past
• Choose happiness each day (even when the fussy boy comes and invades my beautiful little baby's body over night)
• LET GO

I feel like these might be silly but they might just help.... I am also going to register for the lululemon sea wheeze half marathon that will be August 10th 2013 in vancouver. I CANT WAIT because I've never been out west, and what better reason to go than the most amazing half marathon of my life. I know I can do it because I've done it before (and more) so the training begins tomorrow. ( Tonight, I eat pasta and bread and beer)

Emotions

I'm sure I've said this about a dozen times already but so far, motherhood is more like the puberty I never hit as a teenager. Acne, gross and weird hair, growing boobs, growing body in weird lumpy ways, and best of all... the mood swinging emotions.
First I want to mention the beautiful, amazing Sydney and her post here: Blerg when I read this I was all like "OMG WHAT?! I'm not the only one? Really? Really is this true? But she makes it look so easy, and she's so skinny, and she's in so many beautiful photos, and I totally envy her!!!" Which was a really cool feeling to have! 
The emotions that come with motherhood can be intense and at times hard to deal with. Everyone feels emotional, but sometimes it's so weird to feel elated and happy and then so upset about something only hours apart. It is totally normal, but I'm sure that I'm not that only one that has thought "man, am I going crazy?" Life is full of new things every day, and just like every other person in the world (baby in tow or not) some days are way better than others. Spit up on a bad day, then a poop blow out, then an unhappy baby that just won't settle, then no food in the fridge, then a rude person on the sidewalk, then..... it can add up fast! I've had a few days that I just have to let myself have a cry and let it out. I'm not afraid to admit that... because after all I'm human, a human that MADE a human and sometimes we both aren't on the same page. And after all, it takes time to get to know each other (he has his own personality after all). I know I'm not the only person out there, the only mother out there... Right? (DONT get me started on my body...it's STILL an ARGH but I'm not going to go there...ugh)
After all, us mommy friends... we gotta stick together and support each other. I'm so happy that I've found a few new great mommy friends and am able to get out of the house and go to "Mom Club" (I don't know if that's the actual name of it, but that's what I refer to it as) every Thursday morning. It usually turns into a great morning/afternoon full of walking around the Glebe and enjoying treats of all sorts. What I love most is that we talk about everything under the sun. Judgements aside we discuss all kinds of baby junk (see: poop, feeding, boobs, labor, husbands, neighbourhoods, life etc) and I really truly feel supported. Plus my mommy-friend and I also walk to the meeting so we get that extra 40min to and from the meeting to chat about our new life!
Motherhood can be a roller coaster, and sometimes it's good to have a friend beside you that knows all about what you're talking about. 
So thank you mommy friends... where ever you are out there, THANK YOU :)

It gets better

I can't believe I'm going to say this but, like that woman at my very first lactation drop in said, IT GETS BETTER!

Thank heavens because for some, those first few weeks can be pretty rough (anyone remember my breastfeeding post? uh yeaaah)! I can't believe that this little boy is already 5 months old. FIVE MONTHS, it's been since my life changed completely, since I was about 30lbs heavier, since I had any kind of freedom from this house, since my boobs were a normal size (for me anyways), since I slept 8+ hours straight, since I enjoyed my bed all to myself, since I've been able to be completely selfish, since I've read a book (ha!), since I met the love of a life time! 

It seems cleche to say, but he really is the love of my life. I read a post of a good friend of mine that said "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" so beautiful! I know this might seem obvious, but I just was thinking the other day that for the rest of my LIFE I will have a son named Haidan. ISNT THAT AMAZING!!! I look into his dreamy eyes and think, "Wow boy, you and me have a long fun road a head of us" it's so fun to think about all the things he will learn and all the things I need to teach. (All of which I am scared shitless about screwing up, but I know it will be ok)

I look at new parents and think, wow, once I thought this was really hard. Every day it's gotten easier and more fun. Mind you some days I'm ready to stay in the shower until the screaming stops, but those days we fill with extra fun things (usually ends in ____colate). I really do enjoy life with Haidan, and can't imagine any other way, in fact sometimes I forget what it was like... being alone, showering alone, walking the dog alone, talking about worldly things with W.

I also wanted to give a little update while I can about my fitness/goals/body image issues. While W was on pretty much two weeks of work trips, I didn't force myself to figure out a way to keep my workouts going. Instead I focused on doing lots of fun things with Haidan that were outside of the house. That included little driving trips so that he would get used to the car in small doses (which so far has totally paid off! FINALLY), trips to the library, walks along the canal, walks to the glebe community center "Mom club", and making new mommy friends. I can say with SO MUCH confidence and joy, that I have never felt better. I was getting pretty tired of kicking my ass every day and not seeing quick amazing results... and unfortunately when I measured myself October 1st I hadn't lost ANY inches (first time since July that I haven't lost a single inch... gurr). So maybe this self image thing that I had going on in the summer months has faded because of the new amazing beautiful fall weather, or maybe because I finally am living guilt free? Who knows, but all that matters is that I feel great and maybe one day will get back to the gym. I left off at week 4 of the Jamie Eason Phase 1... I'd like to get back to that but we'll see what the future holds... tomorrow.

Anyways this is turning into a bit of a ramble sesh... I'm going to stop here and just say THANK GOODNESS it gets better. And "This too shall pass" so live in the moment friends because every moment counts!

Choices

I'm going to write a really quick, really controversial post before W goes on a trip (and while he watches 60 minutes with Haidan babe). If you don't agree with my choices, I understand, but if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all (Please and thank you).

Four years ago on my 20th birthday I celebrated by going out for dinner with all my closest girlfriends, where I had 5 billinis with double shots etc etc you know the story. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE surprise because I had just moved home and had decided to start a fresh new life without my ex. Here I was with his baby, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The very long story short I had to make a decision:
Live with a baby with a person that was emotionally (and border line physically) abusive, who I knew deep down wasn't good for me (or for that baby), with $10 000 of student debt, not done my college diploma yet, not a job in sight, and living with my mother in her spare bedroom on a pull out couch. 
OR
Do the unthinkable and terminate my pregnancy.

You may or may not know that I come from a family of teachers, I have loved children my whole life, I never thought that I would be put in a situation like that, and never thought I would have made the choice I did. But I did. The end.

Every now and then I think about what my life would have been like. Living with a person who was toxic, with no job or income in our family, miserable because we were stuck in a relationship that I/we didn't want to be in, with a 4 year old (now). WHO knows what really would have happened but every day that I have a hard day with Haidan I thank my brain and heart for being strong and making the choice I did. I am thankful that I am able to make that choice legally, and that it was an easy process (in the grand scheme of things anyways) (by no means am I saying that it was easy physically or mentally, please understand that it is THE hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do), and that I have a happy healthy relationship with the most amazing man alive.

I know now that my relationship with my parents would not be what it is now. I know that I would have probably slipped easily into depression and would not have been as great of a mom as I would have needed to be. I would not have had the amazing job opportunities that I have had. I would not have met the man of my dreams. I would not live where I'm living. I would not be as happy as I am. I would be resentful and miserable.
Yes it wasn't an ideal situation, I believe I am a stronger person because of it.

The point of this post is to be honest and open about my past. When I complain about how hard things can be with Haidan, there is always the thought in my mind about HOW MUCH harder it could have been. I am not always proud of my decision but now I know, more than ever, that it absolutely was the right decision for me to make at that point in my life. I don't want to seem like I am trying to influence anyone's decisions, that isn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have the life I do.

Momma Bear's Goals (strictly personal)

Here it is friends, I have defined and refined my goals. I've been struggling feeling like I'm getting my shit together... I guess that's life with a baby though. Do you ever really feel like your shit is together? Ducks in any kind of line? Meh I'm kinda over ever feeling like that because I've realized that it will come one day and on that day, I will look in the mirror (or maybe at W, to feel a little less crazy) and LAUGH. 
I wrote some goals when I was pregnant, for myself, for my family, etc. And I have had only one amazing friend (Thanks miss Tara Prue) actually hold me accountable! Where is my support team? It's ok, I forgive y'all, I know life gets in the way sometimes and before you know it it's been four months! YIKES right?! Here are my new goals, short sweet and simple.

• 20 minutes of cardio (elliptical or treadmill up hill) every morning with ab work.
• 20 minute of cardio (eppiptical or treadmill up hill) every evening with Jaime Eason's 12 week body building program (Finished Novemeber 26th)
• Clean eating (90% paleo)
• Massage once every 2 weeks (or maybe once a month... depends on how I feel)
• Mani/Pedi once a month
• Date night with Wayne once a week (dinner and a movie?)

My goal is to fit into my $10 goal jeans by November 26th, I would like to be at my goal weight by then too but I'm not sure if it's realistic... hmm

Pics to follow, my phone is acting up....

I love and appriciate all the support and encouragement xo

Parenting 101- As if I know anything?

Well friends let me start by telling you I'm sitting on the lap top in the living room in the pitch black (except the stove light on) with Haidan babe in the snugli (baby carrier) AND swing, sleeping peacefully.

This is my parenting post. By my own experience, so I'd like to quote my La Leche League meeting leaders by saying "take what you want from what other people are saying, if you don't agree or think something is wrong in the, that is totally fine, leave it at the door" (or in this case, close the window). 

Parenting is by far, bar-none, winning the gold medal at being the hardest, most challenging, testing, amazing, beautiful, fun thing I have EVER done in my entire life. Having had gone to school for Early Childhood Education and working in the daycare field for more than 3 years prior to having Haidan, there are many many things I said I would never do that I am currently doing (and loving). Before I explain, let me start by giving my number one parenting tip.... Ready? Here it is...

Read all the books you want during pregnancy, I'm talkin those little cute magazines, the parenting Canada magazines, "What to expect when you're expecting", the whole she-bang... Once you've read them (and tired to get your partner to read them, or even tid-bits of them) GET RID OF THEM! Donate those bitches, pass them on to your friends, put them in a box in the basement/storage unit whatever... just get them the eff out of your face because as soon as that baby is born you'll feel like your brain has gone to mush and you won't want to have to look up in some stupid book "BAH what do I do when..." If you've read the books you want from cover to cover (and been able to retain some of the very boring information) you should have ingrained in your brain the important stuff that you want/need to remember. EVEN having read about a million pages of Early Childhood books in school I still sometimes feel like I don't have a clue at what I'm doing. It's OK! I have remembered the things I wanted to remember, and use what I wanted to use from each book. Some books I read I thought to myself  "Wow I'm going to totally do this, I love this way of parenting, yeah lets have no plastic toys, oh man I'm totally going to pump every day and have a million bags of breast milk stored so that I can work out whenever I need to, ohh yeaaah I'm going to breastfeed on demand, E.A.S.Y yes that's the routine I'll follow from day one."    Crock. Of. Shit my friends. Read, and decide on the type of parent you envision yourself becoming (and talk this over with your partner) and forget the rest. Because quite frankly there is a damn book for EVERYTHING. Now I don't know about y'all but I  can be easily influenced by what other people say, ie books... so the book that I read that said to follow the "E.A.S.Y" routine (Eat, activity, sleep, you (mommy) time) I had decided that was what I was totally 100% going to do. I still to this day am trying to get Haidan consistantly on that routine but sometimes the kid just wants to nurse to sleep and that is damn fine by me... one day I'll get it, and so will he.
Any ways, on to the things I never thought I would do...

1. Give my baby a soother. I always said -I mean always since I was old enough to understand that I never got a soother and that no kid should ever have a "plug" in their mouth- that I would never give my poor little baby a soother. Why would you need to give them a soother? They only cry to tell you they need something? Don't you knoooow that if you give your baby a soother they will never talk to you? Don't you know that they need to learn to use their voice?
You know what, when you've had your teet sucked on for two hours and nothing else will sooth him... guess what he gets. A SOOTHER! The day I decided that W might be right on this one, I grabbed the first soother in our stack of supplies, stuck the thing in his mouth, and away we went. I believe my first words were "Haidan I don't like you with this soother, but I still love you". He doesn't take it that much any more, I think because his bottle (given when I am away working out etc.) and my nipple are shaped nothing like the soother, so for now that's fine. Eventually we might need to find something, but mark my words he will not be one of those kids that is 2+ years old with a soother... (I hope)

2. Co-sleep with my infant. HOW on earth could you sleep with your child and put their poor little life in your sleep-less hands?! How could you take the chance of rolling over your baby and loosing the little life you created? Why not just develop a routine from the start to help you all? 

Low and behold here we are, a big ol family in the same queen size bed (trust me, I'm pushing for a king). I blame it on the hospital, I was roomed with a woman who had a c-section and needed to call the nurse every time her baby screamed (if you've read my birth story I believe that I've mentioned this... the baby cried what seemed like every damn hour while my lovely little Haidan slept like a champ). I was worried Haidan would wake up that often too, so I brought him into bed with me and nursed him when I needed to and slept with him on a pillow beside me when I was pretending to sleep. 
From that day on I have had Haidan sleeping next to me or on top of me. For the first little while I spent some nights on the couch with a camp set up, foot stool near my head so that if Haidan rolled he wouldn't be on the floor, just the right pillows, blanket, water, phone, burp cloth etc. I tried a few nights to wake up, feed, then put Haidan in his crib directly next to our bed (even at the same level) but with his little noises and movements I was just a wreck and wasn't actually sleeping. So now we sleep with the crib beside us and a blanket over the railing, Haidan, me, then W. I get such great sleeps that sometimes I even have vivid dreams, I sleep on my side and feed/nurse most of the time but sometimes I wake on my back (which means I am having a great sleep!), and Haidan gets sweaty some nights because we're so cosy together.
I know that co-sleeping is very controversial because some people are like I was before having kids, and I 100% understand where they are coming from and some times I do fear that something bad will happen. I believe in myself and my sense of self/Haidan babe and his needs, and I believe that if I can get a great sleep and feel rested and energetic and function the next day, that is BY FAR the most important thing. I dread the day W suggests we move Haidan into his crib, or for some other reason we decide to start the transition... but I know it will come before I want it. I would love to have a king sized bed on the floor that we sleep in until Haidan decides he's had enough, but I don't think that's realistic for now.

3. Diapers. I had a brief time that I really wanted to use cloth diapers and be a super green mom... but decided that even thought it would be great (and I might still try it out some day) I'd still be using lots of water to wash those damn diapers, and I have enough laundry to do with all of the clothes W puts out in a day. I really do commend the parents that go cloth, but for me right now... Nah.

One last side note of parenting. Being a parent is nuts... especially a mother. I can remember in the last months of pregnancy thinking that W was like a god. I was so impressed and smitten with him I thought I was going crazy. (Note: I still think he's absolutely amazing but I'm talkin weird shit here...) I would just hold his soft-skinned-arm and smell his sweet man-skin and think I was in heaven. It's weird right?
In the hospital I remember being a little bit sad as I stared at W in the waiting room before the labour room. I was sad that it would never again be "just the two of us" and worried that our relationship would change for the worse. We've been together three years now and that's not very long for new parents. Times get really stressful and sometimes I do feel a bit crazy, but luckily he is one VERY amazing man. 
After Haidan was born and parenting became real life, I can remember thinking W was so amazing and fabulous and... I don't even have words for how surprised and smitten I was with him taking on this new parent role. He didn't read a damn book but is still so helpful, if he has a question he figures it out. In the two weeks that he spent at home with Haidan and I he really stepped up as a parent and partner, he brought me breakfast in bed, lunch in my feeding chair, and dinner wherever I ended up at that time. He brought home flowers and plants and walked the dog (if he didn't the darn thing would surely be dead by now with this heat), he did the laundry, cleaned, did dishes, cared for me and every night reminded me that I'm doing a great job and being a great mommy. Sometimes he was so great and just reminded me of why I feel in love with him in the first place that I would actually cry, cry tears of "oh-my-goodness-I'm-the-luckiest-girl-in-the-world" tears.
He's back at work now so things are different, even though I sometimes find myself amazed at how silly he's being and I have to remind him that Haidan is only just now 3 months old (he won't be walking or throwin balls and day soon), I still am so incredibly greatful to have him as my partner in crime. Hormones are a bitch and I can be a big one, I know that, and I admit when I am wrong... God bless his soul for putting up with my madness and loving me so much through thick and thin.

Mommy and Haidan's first Road-trip!!!

Wednesday July 11th (also Haidan's two month birthday!! INSANE right?) we drove all the way (3 hours) to Peterborough to visit my Grandparents and Gramma, Haidan's Great-Grandparents. I was super excited because he is the first Great-Grandchild on both sides of my family (even though I'm the youngest on both sides... hmm?) and this is the first time all of them will see him in real life form! 

 Haidan's two month comparison. This was his first onesie after his first bath at about 14hrs old...and 2 months old

 Happy Two Month Birthday Bubba!

The trip usually takes 3-3.5 hours and on the way there we had a great drive! Haidan slept 2hrs then we stopped for an hour to feed and stretch, then continued on our way. Total drive time = 4hrs. This shot is in the car at our first stop. Happy little clam!

 First time meeting Grannie (my moms mom)

 Haidan and his Great Grandpa. He really loved the new face and voice!

 Standing for GG

 Our first night was a huge success. I wish I could take this bed home with me! We both slept soo well, Haidan even slept on his own in the bed for an hour after I woke up!!! Isn't this a cute shot!

 Then Haidan met my Gramma (my dads mom) 

 I think he likes how old people decorate, lots of shit on the walls and wall paper etc. Great stuff to examine!

Looks like he has a mohawk! Just a little babe in a biiig bed.


On our way home was a complete disaster. To make a really long, upsetting story short... Haidan cried every hour and screamed and we had to stop and it took 6hrs to get home. I've never heard a shrill cry so god aweful and it made me cry too :(
I give myself credit for trying a solo car trip, but must admit that I wont be trying it again any time soon!

Body Image...dun dun duunnn

A woman's body is one really amazing thing. Weather it be big or small, short or tall, all (or most) of these amazing bodies can make a human being from scratch. Bones, eyes, lungs, brains, skin, finger nails, HAIR?! All from something in our body, how freakin cool is that?

I give my body credit for making one super-cute-adorable-squishy-delicious baby, but a girl can want more right? When I found out I was pregnant I also found out that I was 10lbs heavier than I've ever been in my life... then I gained 40lbs. HA... great right? So that's 50lbs that I would like to loose... good friggin luck kid, goooood luck! Here are some pictures from how my big ol body has changed since having Haidan...

The DAY I had Haidan babe... big, ol, belly!

The day I got home from the hospital. Thats a good 25 weeks pregnant belly haha and it was jelly. Gross jelly

Getting smaller? Or my imagination...

These make me cringe... I can't believe I'm posting them, but I want y'all to know what it's like.

SMALLER yay

All those horizontal striped things I got that were super cute as pregnant clothes... not so much when you want to look thinner haha.

Wrapped up, but smaller!

On the way to the gym, waay smaller but also sucked in by luxtreme luon haha

Me most recently. You can't see the millions of stretch marks that I got AFTER giving birth. Stupid right? It's gross and looks like a big ol tiger attacked me, it sucks but I'm trying to learn to accept it and move on. Easier said than done.


I think the hardest part about body image post pregnancy is that if I had gained weight from eating too many delicious treats, I would say "Ok fatty let's get our big butt to the gym NOW!" but with a newborn baby and seemingly no time on your hands it's hard to actually get to the gym (weather it be in your building or not).(I'm 24 gosh-darnit, I'm not ready to let myself go!!!) It's been pretty hard for me to accept that it's ok that I don't go to the gym every day, and that when I do get to go I need to make the best of it and kick ass (mine). I wish I could say the pounds just melted off with breastfeeding, but I think that because my body is producing hormones to fatten this baby up, that maybe I'm not droppin the lbs as quickly. Does that mean I will stop breastfeeding? No, because then I would feel SUPER selfish. Am I happy with how my body looks? No, but that will take time and the more pressure I put on myself the less gets done. That being said I try my darndest to stay positive but it's hard, I've never felt so incredibly gross in my own skin and I'm funny because I don't care about what other people think, but I care what I think other people think... does that even make sense? NO!
I have accepted that I won't be wearing a bathing suit in public, that I need to workout as much as motherly possible (because being a mother and being a human is DIFFERENT I sware!), and that it will take time. Time damnit, it sucks!
I will say, I have bought my first pair of "goal" jeans. They're size 11 from Bluenotes (the teenie-bopper store that I love) and I would like to fit into them by fall. They're super cute and I'm excited for the day I can get them past my knees! HA I also measured myself July 1st and intend to measure on the first of every month to compare the differences instead of using the ol scale... Wish me luck.