Sunday, September 30, 2012

Choices

I'm going to write a really quick, really controversial post before W goes on a trip (and while he watches 60 minutes with Haidan babe). If you don't agree with my choices, I understand, but if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all (Please and thank you).

Four years ago on my 20th birthday I celebrated by going out for dinner with all my closest girlfriends, where I had 5 billinis with double shots etc etc you know the story. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE surprise because I had just moved home and had decided to start a fresh new life without my ex. Here I was with his baby, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The very long story short I had to make a decision:
Live with a baby with a person that was emotionally (and border line physically) abusive, who I knew deep down wasn't good for me (or for that baby), with $10 000 of student debt, not done my college diploma yet, not a job in sight, and living with my mother in her spare bedroom on a pull out couch. 
OR
Do the unthinkable and terminate my pregnancy.

You may or may not know that I come from a family of teachers, I have loved children my whole life, I never thought that I would be put in a situation like that, and never thought I would have made the choice I did. But I did. The end.

Every now and then I think about what my life would have been like. Living with a person who was toxic, with no job or income in our family, miserable because we were stuck in a relationship that I/we didn't want to be in, with a 4 year old (now). WHO knows what really would have happened but every day that I have a hard day with Haidan I thank my brain and heart for being strong and making the choice I did. I am thankful that I am able to make that choice legally, and that it was an easy process (in the grand scheme of things anyways) (by no means am I saying that it was easy physically or mentally, please understand that it is THE hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do), and that I have a happy healthy relationship with the most amazing man alive.

I know now that my relationship with my parents would not be what it is now. I know that I would have probably slipped easily into depression and would not have been as great of a mom as I would have needed to be. I would not have had the amazing job opportunities that I have had. I would not have met the man of my dreams. I would not live where I'm living. I would not be as happy as I am. I would be resentful and miserable.
Yes it wasn't an ideal situation, I believe I am a stronger person because of it.

The point of this post is to be honest and open about my past. When I complain about how hard things can be with Haidan, there is always the thought in my mind about HOW MUCH harder it could have been. I am not always proud of my decision but now I know, more than ever, that it absolutely was the right decision for me to make at that point in my life. I don't want to seem like I am trying to influence anyone's decisions, that isn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have the life I do.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Momma Bear's Goals (strictly personal)

Here it is friends, I have defined and refined my goals. I've been struggling feeling like I'm getting my shit together... I guess that's life with a baby though. Do you ever really feel like your shit is together? Ducks in any kind of line? Meh I'm kinda over ever feeling like that because I've realized that it will come one day and on that day, I will look in the mirror (or maybe at W, to feel a little less crazy) and LAUGH. 
I wrote some goals when I was pregnant, for myself, for my family, etc. And I have had only one amazing friend (Thanks miss Tara Prue) actually hold me accountable! Where is my support team? It's ok, I forgive y'all, I know life gets in the way sometimes and before you know it it's been four months! YIKES right?! Here are my new goals, short sweet and simple.


  • 20 minutes of cardio (elliptical or treadmill up hill) every morning with ab work.
  • 20 minute of cardio (eppiptical or treadmill up hill) every evening with Jaime Eason's 12 week body building program (Finished Novemeber 26th)
  • Clean eating (90% paleo)
  • Massage once every 2 weeks (or maybe once a month... depends on how I feel)
  • Mani/Pedi once a month
  • Date night with Wayne once a week (dinner and a movie?)
My goal is to fit into my $10 goal jeans by November 26th, I would like to be at my goal weight by then too but I'm not sure if it's realistic... hmm
Pics to follow, my phone is acting up....

I love and appriciate all the support and encouragement xo