Honest Monday

Today was a rough day, I don't know what it was about today but it was rough. Yesterday was not only Remembrance day, but also Haidan's 6 MONTH BIRTHDAY!!! WOW as if right? I seriously can't get over it... but moving on, let's get to the point here. I'm going to be honest...

I'm still living in September, back when Wayne was away for work for almost two straight weeks and I haven't worked out since then. I had convinced myself that I was ok with not working out and was feeling great because I was feeling a different kind of energized. I feel like I've been living my life a lot more and enjoying time with Haidan and our new mommy-baby friends every day. I've been finding new activities every day to do with Haidan and have truly been enjoying that. BUT... (my big ol butt) I'm not getting any smaller and I haven't been achieving any goals, and I'm starting to feel shitty again. I think about when I was pregnant (or even in the few weeks post post-partum) and I would say "OH by the time Haidan is 6 months I'll be so skinny again..." Yeah. friggin. right. friend.
Tomorrow I am getting back to the gym. I have been eating fairly healthily as I always do, but that's just not enough. I feel like this is a battle I might just be fighting for the rest of my years... is the light ever going to be at the end of this fatso tunnel? Gurr... 
I think another reason why I suddenly feel like crap is also because I'm getting married in 5 weeks and I KNOW that I won't look my greatest in pictures that are going to be shown for the rest of my life (and photo shop can only do so much... ha). I want Haidan to look back at pictures of our little city hall wedding and say "WOW mom you looked great!" but I know that won't happen... unless I get fatter by the time he would ever say that about me haha...
I miss my lululemon life that was full of working out either in sweet gyms, at the yoga studio of my choice, on a run with my friends or Wayne, etc etc... all things I am not doing. I used to set goals and achieve them. I used to strive to be an amazing person every single day. I used to try to inspire those around me. I used to dream big and shoot for the stars... I used to be a different person. My life has changed a lot, and I know that it's something that was obviously bound to happen (espicially since having a beautiful baby is WAY different than anything I've ever done) but sometimes I think about how much I wish I could have just a little bit of it back. I look at pictures of myself (when I thought I was fat then...) and think WOW I look so damn small... not encouraging to say the least but in a weird twisted way it is a little bit of an inspiration. If only I could get to the gym as much as I would like... 

Here are my new goals that I am going to try my hardest to achieve.

• Work out for a total of 150 minutes each week (That's 2.5 hours in a 6 day week... sundays off!)
• Sweat once a day
• Maintain my Haidan-mommy adventure activities each week
• Register for a running room half marathon clinic (18 week training program)
• Breath and let go. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past
• Choose happiness each day (even when the fussy boy comes and invades my beautiful little baby's body over night)
• LET GO

I feel like these might be silly but they might just help.... I am also going to register for the lululemon sea wheeze half marathon that will be August 10th 2013 in vancouver. I CANT WAIT because I've never been out west, and what better reason to go than the most amazing half marathon of my life. I know I can do it because I've done it before (and more) so the training begins tomorrow. ( Tonight, I eat pasta and bread and beer)

Emotions

I'm sure I've said this about a dozen times already but so far, motherhood is more like the puberty I never hit as a teenager. Acne, gross and weird hair, growing boobs, growing body in weird lumpy ways, and best of all... the mood swinging emotions.
First I want to mention the beautiful, amazing Sydney and her post here: Blerg when I read this I was all like "OMG WHAT?! I'm not the only one? Really? Really is this true? But she makes it look so easy, and she's so skinny, and she's in so many beautiful photos, and I totally envy her!!!" Which was a really cool feeling to have! 
The emotions that come with motherhood can be intense and at times hard to deal with. Everyone feels emotional, but sometimes it's so weird to feel elated and happy and then so upset about something only hours apart. It is totally normal, but I'm sure that I'm not that only one that has thought "man, am I going crazy?" Life is full of new things every day, and just like every other person in the world (baby in tow or not) some days are way better than others. Spit up on a bad day, then a poop blow out, then an unhappy baby that just won't settle, then no food in the fridge, then a rude person on the sidewalk, then..... it can add up fast! I've had a few days that I just have to let myself have a cry and let it out. I'm not afraid to admit that... because after all I'm human, a human that MADE a human and sometimes we both aren't on the same page. And after all, it takes time to get to know each other (he has his own personality after all). I know I'm not the only person out there, the only mother out there... Right? (DONT get me started on my body...it's STILL an ARGH but I'm not going to go there...ugh)
After all, us mommy friends... we gotta stick together and support each other. I'm so happy that I've found a few new great mommy friends and am able to get out of the house and go to "Mom Club" (I don't know if that's the actual name of it, but that's what I refer to it as) every Thursday morning. It usually turns into a great morning/afternoon full of walking around the Glebe and enjoying treats of all sorts. What I love most is that we talk about everything under the sun. Judgements aside we discuss all kinds of baby junk (see: poop, feeding, boobs, labor, husbands, neighbourhoods, life etc) and I really truly feel supported. Plus my mommy-friend and I also walk to the meeting so we get that extra 40min to and from the meeting to chat about our new life!
Motherhood can be a roller coaster, and sometimes it's good to have a friend beside you that knows all about what you're talking about. 
So thank you mommy friends... where ever you are out there, THANK YOU :)

It gets better

I can't believe I'm going to say this but, like that woman at my very first lactation drop in said, IT GETS BETTER!

Thank heavens because for some, those first few weeks can be pretty rough (anyone remember my breastfeeding post? uh yeaaah)! I can't believe that this little boy is already 5 months old. FIVE MONTHS, it's been since my life changed completely, since I was about 30lbs heavier, since I had any kind of freedom from this house, since my boobs were a normal size (for me anyways), since I slept 8+ hours straight, since I enjoyed my bed all to myself, since I've been able to be completely selfish, since I've read a book (ha!), since I met the love of a life time! 

It seems cleche to say, but he really is the love of my life. I read a post of a good friend of mine that said "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" so beautiful! I know this might seem obvious, but I just was thinking the other day that for the rest of my LIFE I will have a son named Haidan. ISNT THAT AMAZING!!! I look into his dreamy eyes and think, "Wow boy, you and me have a long fun road a head of us" it's so fun to think about all the things he will learn and all the things I need to teach. (All of which I am scared shitless about screwing up, but I know it will be ok)

I look at new parents and think, wow, once I thought this was really hard. Every day it's gotten easier and more fun. Mind you some days I'm ready to stay in the shower until the screaming stops, but those days we fill with extra fun things (usually ends in ____colate). I really do enjoy life with Haidan, and can't imagine any other way, in fact sometimes I forget what it was like... being alone, showering alone, walking the dog alone, talking about worldly things with W.

I also wanted to give a little update while I can about my fitness/goals/body image issues. While W was on pretty much two weeks of work trips, I didn't force myself to figure out a way to keep my workouts going. Instead I focused on doing lots of fun things with Haidan that were outside of the house. That included little driving trips so that he would get used to the car in small doses (which so far has totally paid off! FINALLY), trips to the library, walks along the canal, walks to the glebe community center "Mom club", and making new mommy friends. I can say with SO MUCH confidence and joy, that I have never felt better. I was getting pretty tired of kicking my ass every day and not seeing quick amazing results... and unfortunately when I measured myself October 1st I hadn't lost ANY inches (first time since July that I haven't lost a single inch... gurr). So maybe this self image thing that I had going on in the summer months has faded because of the new amazing beautiful fall weather, or maybe because I finally am living guilt free? Who knows, but all that matters is that I feel great and maybe one day will get back to the gym. I left off at week 4 of the Jamie Eason Phase 1... I'd like to get back to that but we'll see what the future holds... tomorrow.

Anyways this is turning into a bit of a ramble sesh... I'm going to stop here and just say THANK GOODNESS it gets better. And "This too shall pass" so live in the moment friends because every moment counts!

Choices

I'm going to write a really quick, really controversial post before W goes on a trip (and while he watches 60 minutes with Haidan babe). If you don't agree with my choices, I understand, but if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all (Please and thank you).

Four years ago on my 20th birthday I celebrated by going out for dinner with all my closest girlfriends, where I had 5 billinis with double shots etc etc you know the story. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE surprise because I had just moved home and had decided to start a fresh new life without my ex. Here I was with his baby, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The very long story short I had to make a decision:
Live with a baby with a person that was emotionally (and border line physically) abusive, who I knew deep down wasn't good for me (or for that baby), with $10 000 of student debt, not done my college diploma yet, not a job in sight, and living with my mother in her spare bedroom on a pull out couch. 
OR
Do the unthinkable and terminate my pregnancy.

You may or may not know that I come from a family of teachers, I have loved children my whole life, I never thought that I would be put in a situation like that, and never thought I would have made the choice I did. But I did. The end.

Every now and then I think about what my life would have been like. Living with a person who was toxic, with no job or income in our family, miserable because we were stuck in a relationship that I/we didn't want to be in, with a 4 year old (now). WHO knows what really would have happened but every day that I have a hard day with Haidan I thank my brain and heart for being strong and making the choice I did. I am thankful that I am able to make that choice legally, and that it was an easy process (in the grand scheme of things anyways) (by no means am I saying that it was easy physically or mentally, please understand that it is THE hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do), and that I have a happy healthy relationship with the most amazing man alive.

I know now that my relationship with my parents would not be what it is now. I know that I would have probably slipped easily into depression and would not have been as great of a mom as I would have needed to be. I would not have had the amazing job opportunities that I have had. I would not have met the man of my dreams. I would not live where I'm living. I would not be as happy as I am. I would be resentful and miserable.
Yes it wasn't an ideal situation, I believe I am a stronger person because of it.

The point of this post is to be honest and open about my past. When I complain about how hard things can be with Haidan, there is always the thought in my mind about HOW MUCH harder it could have been. I am not always proud of my decision but now I know, more than ever, that it absolutely was the right decision for me to make at that point in my life. I don't want to seem like I am trying to influence anyone's decisions, that isn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have the life I do.

Momma Bear's Goals (strictly personal)

Here it is friends, I have defined and refined my goals. I've been struggling feeling like I'm getting my shit together... I guess that's life with a baby though. Do you ever really feel like your shit is together? Ducks in any kind of line? Meh I'm kinda over ever feeling like that because I've realized that it will come one day and on that day, I will look in the mirror (or maybe at W, to feel a little less crazy) and LAUGH. 
I wrote some goals when I was pregnant, for myself, for my family, etc. And I have had only one amazing friend (Thanks miss Tara Prue) actually hold me accountable! Where is my support team? It's ok, I forgive y'all, I know life gets in the way sometimes and before you know it it's been four months! YIKES right?! Here are my new goals, short sweet and simple.

• 20 minutes of cardio (elliptical or treadmill up hill) every morning with ab work.
• 20 minute of cardio (eppiptical or treadmill up hill) every evening with Jaime Eason's 12 week body building program (Finished Novemeber 26th)
• Clean eating (90% paleo)
• Massage once every 2 weeks (or maybe once a month... depends on how I feel)
• Mani/Pedi once a month
• Date night with Wayne once a week (dinner and a movie?)

My goal is to fit into my $10 goal jeans by November 26th, I would like to be at my goal weight by then too but I'm not sure if it's realistic... hmm

Pics to follow, my phone is acting up....

I love and appriciate all the support and encouragement xo

Parenting 101- As if I know anything?

Well friends let me start by telling you I'm sitting on the lap top in the living room in the pitch black (except the stove light on) with Haidan babe in the snugli (baby carrier) AND swing, sleeping peacefully.

This is my parenting post. By my own experience, so I'd like to quote my La Leche League meeting leaders by saying "take what you want from what other people are saying, if you don't agree or think something is wrong in the, that is totally fine, leave it at the door" (or in this case, close the window). 

Parenting is by far, bar-none, winning the gold medal at being the hardest, most challenging, testing, amazing, beautiful, fun thing I have EVER done in my entire life. Having had gone to school for Early Childhood Education and working in the daycare field for more than 3 years prior to having Haidan, there are many many things I said I would never do that I am currently doing (and loving). Before I explain, let me start by giving my number one parenting tip.... Ready? Here it is...

Read all the books you want during pregnancy, I'm talkin those little cute magazines, the parenting Canada magazines, "What to expect when you're expecting", the whole she-bang... Once you've read them (and tired to get your partner to read them, or even tid-bits of them) GET RID OF THEM! Donate those bitches, pass them on to your friends, put them in a box in the basement/storage unit whatever... just get them the eff out of your face because as soon as that baby is born you'll feel like your brain has gone to mush and you won't want to have to look up in some stupid book "BAH what do I do when..." If you've read the books you want from cover to cover (and been able to retain some of the very boring information) you should have ingrained in your brain the important stuff that you want/need to remember. EVEN having read about a million pages of Early Childhood books in school I still sometimes feel like I don't have a clue at what I'm doing. It's OK! I have remembered the things I wanted to remember, and use what I wanted to use from each book. Some books I read I thought to myself  "Wow I'm going to totally do this, I love this way of parenting, yeah lets have no plastic toys, oh man I'm totally going to pump every day and have a million bags of breast milk stored so that I can work out whenever I need to, ohh yeaaah I'm going to breastfeed on demand, E.A.S.Y yes that's the routine I'll follow from day one."    Crock. Of. Shit my friends. Read, and decide on the type of parent you envision yourself becoming (and talk this over with your partner) and forget the rest. Because quite frankly there is a damn book for EVERYTHING. Now I don't know about y'all but I  can be easily influenced by what other people say, ie books... so the book that I read that said to follow the "E.A.S.Y" routine (Eat, activity, sleep, you (mommy) time) I had decided that was what I was totally 100% going to do. I still to this day am trying to get Haidan consistantly on that routine but sometimes the kid just wants to nurse to sleep and that is damn fine by me... one day I'll get it, and so will he.
Any ways, on to the things I never thought I would do...

1. Give my baby a soother. I always said -I mean always since I was old enough to understand that I never got a soother and that no kid should ever have a "plug" in their mouth- that I would never give my poor little baby a soother. Why would you need to give them a soother? They only cry to tell you they need something? Don't you knoooow that if you give your baby a soother they will never talk to you? Don't you know that they need to learn to use their voice?
You know what, when you've had your teet sucked on for two hours and nothing else will sooth him... guess what he gets. A SOOTHER! The day I decided that W might be right on this one, I grabbed the first soother in our stack of supplies, stuck the thing in his mouth, and away we went. I believe my first words were "Haidan I don't like you with this soother, but I still love you". He doesn't take it that much any more, I think because his bottle (given when I am away working out etc.) and my nipple are shaped nothing like the soother, so for now that's fine. Eventually we might need to find something, but mark my words he will not be one of those kids that is 2+ years old with a soother... (I hope)

2. Co-sleep with my infant. HOW on earth could you sleep with your child and put their poor little life in your sleep-less hands?! How could you take the chance of rolling over your baby and loosing the little life you created? Why not just develop a routine from the start to help you all? 

Low and behold here we are, a big ol family in the same queen size bed (trust me, I'm pushing for a king). I blame it on the hospital, I was roomed with a woman who had a c-section and needed to call the nurse every time her baby screamed (if you've read my birth story I believe that I've mentioned this... the baby cried what seemed like every damn hour while my lovely little Haidan slept like a champ). I was worried Haidan would wake up that often too, so I brought him into bed with me and nursed him when I needed to and slept with him on a pillow beside me when I was pretending to sleep. 
From that day on I have had Haidan sleeping next to me or on top of me. For the first little while I spent some nights on the couch with a camp set up, foot stool near my head so that if Haidan rolled he wouldn't be on the floor, just the right pillows, blanket, water, phone, burp cloth etc. I tried a few nights to wake up, feed, then put Haidan in his crib directly next to our bed (even at the same level) but with his little noises and movements I was just a wreck and wasn't actually sleeping. So now we sleep with the crib beside us and a blanket over the railing, Haidan, me, then W. I get such great sleeps that sometimes I even have vivid dreams, I sleep on my side and feed/nurse most of the time but sometimes I wake on my back (which means I am having a great sleep!), and Haidan gets sweaty some nights because we're so cosy together.
I know that co-sleeping is very controversial because some people are like I was before having kids, and I 100% understand where they are coming from and some times I do fear that something bad will happen. I believe in myself and my sense of self/Haidan babe and his needs, and I believe that if I can get a great sleep and feel rested and energetic and function the next day, that is BY FAR the most important thing. I dread the day W suggests we move Haidan into his crib, or for some other reason we decide to start the transition... but I know it will come before I want it. I would love to have a king sized bed on the floor that we sleep in until Haidan decides he's had enough, but I don't think that's realistic for now.

3. Diapers. I had a brief time that I really wanted to use cloth diapers and be a super green mom... but decided that even thought it would be great (and I might still try it out some day) I'd still be using lots of water to wash those damn diapers, and I have enough laundry to do with all of the clothes W puts out in a day. I really do commend the parents that go cloth, but for me right now... Nah.

One last side note of parenting. Being a parent is nuts... especially a mother. I can remember in the last months of pregnancy thinking that W was like a god. I was so impressed and smitten with him I thought I was going crazy. (Note: I still think he's absolutely amazing but I'm talkin weird shit here...) I would just hold his soft-skinned-arm and smell his sweet man-skin and think I was in heaven. It's weird right?
In the hospital I remember being a little bit sad as I stared at W in the waiting room before the labour room. I was sad that it would never again be "just the two of us" and worried that our relationship would change for the worse. We've been together three years now and that's not very long for new parents. Times get really stressful and sometimes I do feel a bit crazy, but luckily he is one VERY amazing man. 
After Haidan was born and parenting became real life, I can remember thinking W was so amazing and fabulous and... I don't even have words for how surprised and smitten I was with him taking on this new parent role. He didn't read a damn book but is still so helpful, if he has a question he figures it out. In the two weeks that he spent at home with Haidan and I he really stepped up as a parent and partner, he brought me breakfast in bed, lunch in my feeding chair, and dinner wherever I ended up at that time. He brought home flowers and plants and walked the dog (if he didn't the darn thing would surely be dead by now with this heat), he did the laundry, cleaned, did dishes, cared for me and every night reminded me that I'm doing a great job and being a great mommy. Sometimes he was so great and just reminded me of why I feel in love with him in the first place that I would actually cry, cry tears of "oh-my-goodness-I'm-the-luckiest-girl-in-the-world" tears.
He's back at work now so things are different, even though I sometimes find myself amazed at how silly he's being and I have to remind him that Haidan is only just now 3 months old (he won't be walking or throwin balls and day soon), I still am so incredibly greatful to have him as my partner in crime. Hormones are a bitch and I can be a big one, I know that, and I admit when I am wrong... God bless his soul for putting up with my madness and loving me so much through thick and thin.

Mommy and Haidan's first Road-trip!!!

Wednesday July 11th (also Haidan's two month birthday!! INSANE right?) we drove all the way (3 hours) to Peterborough to visit my Grandparents and Gramma, Haidan's Great-Grandparents. I was super excited because he is the first Great-Grandchild on both sides of my family (even though I'm the youngest on both sides... hmm?) and this is the first time all of them will see him in real life form! 

 Haidan's two month comparison. This was his first onesie after his first bath at about 14hrs old...and 2 months old

 Happy Two Month Birthday Bubba!

The trip usually takes 3-3.5 hours and on the way there we had a great drive! Haidan slept 2hrs then we stopped for an hour to feed and stretch, then continued on our way. Total drive time = 4hrs. This shot is in the car at our first stop. Happy little clam!

 First time meeting Grannie (my moms mom)

 Haidan and his Great Grandpa. He really loved the new face and voice!

 Standing for GG

 Our first night was a huge success. I wish I could take this bed home with me! We both slept soo well, Haidan even slept on his own in the bed for an hour after I woke up!!! Isn't this a cute shot!

 Then Haidan met my Gramma (my dads mom) 

 I think he likes how old people decorate, lots of shit on the walls and wall paper etc. Great stuff to examine!

Looks like he has a mohawk! Just a little babe in a biiig bed.


On our way home was a complete disaster. To make a really long, upsetting story short... Haidan cried every hour and screamed and we had to stop and it took 6hrs to get home. I've never heard a shrill cry so god aweful and it made me cry too :(
I give myself credit for trying a solo car trip, but must admit that I wont be trying it again any time soon!

Body Image...dun dun duunnn

A woman's body is one really amazing thing. Weather it be big or small, short or tall, all (or most) of these amazing bodies can make a human being from scratch. Bones, eyes, lungs, brains, skin, finger nails, HAIR?! All from something in our body, how freakin cool is that?

I give my body credit for making one super-cute-adorable-squishy-delicious baby, but a girl can want more right? When I found out I was pregnant I also found out that I was 10lbs heavier than I've ever been in my life... then I gained 40lbs. HA... great right? So that's 50lbs that I would like to loose... good friggin luck kid, goooood luck! Here are some pictures from how my big ol body has changed since having Haidan...

The DAY I had Haidan babe... big, ol, belly!

The day I got home from the hospital. Thats a good 25 weeks pregnant belly haha and it was jelly. Gross jelly

Getting smaller? Or my imagination...

These make me cringe... I can't believe I'm posting them, but I want y'all to know what it's like.

SMALLER yay

All those horizontal striped things I got that were super cute as pregnant clothes... not so much when you want to look thinner haha.

Wrapped up, but smaller!

On the way to the gym, waay smaller but also sucked in by luxtreme luon haha

Me most recently. You can't see the millions of stretch marks that I got AFTER giving birth. Stupid right? It's gross and looks like a big ol tiger attacked me, it sucks but I'm trying to learn to accept it and move on. Easier said than done.


I think the hardest part about body image post pregnancy is that if I had gained weight from eating too many delicious treats, I would say "Ok fatty let's get our big butt to the gym NOW!" but with a newborn baby and seemingly no time on your hands it's hard to actually get to the gym (weather it be in your building or not).(I'm 24 gosh-darnit, I'm not ready to let myself go!!!) It's been pretty hard for me to accept that it's ok that I don't go to the gym every day, and that when I do get to go I need to make the best of it and kick ass (mine). I wish I could say the pounds just melted off with breastfeeding, but I think that because my body is producing hormones to fatten this baby up, that maybe I'm not droppin the lbs as quickly. Does that mean I will stop breastfeeding? No, because then I would feel SUPER selfish. Am I happy with how my body looks? No, but that will take time and the more pressure I put on myself the less gets done. That being said I try my darndest to stay positive but it's hard, I've never felt so incredibly gross in my own skin and I'm funny because I don't care about what other people think, but I care what I think other people think... does that even make sense? NO!
I have accepted that I won't be wearing a bathing suit in public, that I need to workout as much as motherly possible (because being a mother and being a human is DIFFERENT I sware!), and that it will take time. Time damnit, it sucks!
I will say, I have bought my first pair of "goal" jeans. They're size 11 from Bluenotes (the teenie-bopper store that I love) and I would like to fit into them by fall. They're super cute and I'm excited for the day I can get them past my knees! HA I also measured myself July 1st and intend to measure on the first of every month to compare the differences instead of using the ol scale... Wish me luck.

Haidan Hylarides' Birth Story- May 11th 2012 the best day of my life!

It's taken exactly 1 month and 9 days for me to have a chance to sit at the computer and think. Think then type (with one hand while nursing I might add). Better late than never right? Here is the official birth story (with the aid of the notes I took on my phone while in the hospital) of the new man in my life.


Introducing Haidan Berry Hylarides:
Now, where I left off in my previous post. It was 5pm Thursday May 10th, I hadn't been able to sleep/rest at all that day because I knew there was too much that needed to be done. My day started at 7am. By 8pm I knew it was contraction time and that I should record/time them as best possible. Being a new-age kinda gal I downloaded a "contraction counter" app, but the contractions were so close together and so hard to distinguish that I soon gave up. By 10pm I knew I needed to make a decision: 1. wait until the contractions were unbearable, 2. wait for the "gush" of water breaking, or 3. go to the hospital and figure my shit out. We went with option number 3 and in the 15 minute car ride I had 3 contractions, in the parking lot I had 3 more, and walking to the labour ward I had 2 more to make it clear I had made the right decision. We were put into a room to get monitored and measured and then we played the waiting game...

 Patiently waiting through contractions

 Our last "just the two of us" photo. weird

daddy keeping busy


11pm rolled around and the residents suggested I go for a walk around the halls of the hospital. They obviously weren't reading my blog, because they would have known how hard it was for me to move around let alone walk the last couple weeks. Paired with some lovely contractions, my lower back/hip pain was eventually unbearable. I walked for an hour and had two really strong contractions before giving up hope on a "natural" child birth. (side note: people say "natural" child birth and mean no epidural, I think they're just silly... child birth of any sort is natural? It is after all what our bodies were made for!) I believe I mentioned something about "This kid just might be an only child after all" to W as I breath through contractions, all I could think to say or do while trying to exhale is "ok, ok, okkkkk, ooookkkkk, ok ok ok... ok its done" which W found quite funny to listen to.We were put into a birth room which was nice and big at around 1am, OFFICIALLY May 11th 2012! I was still about 4cam dilated at this point and my new best friend with the epidural was on his way to making me the happiest mommy-to-be. As he did his business in my back I had 3 more rough contractions that were more intense than the last, in part because I had to stay super still (or go paralized thanks to mr. man putting needles in my back).
It was 2am and I was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I was 7-8cm dilated, had a completely numb right leg and a mostly numb left leg and some serious numb bum tingly action happening. At 5:45am I am fully dilated and ready to push this baby out! Time to wait for the "urge-to-poo/ pressure-down-there" contractions and giver! I push every contraction, three pushes for 10 seconds each (I felt no pain and the pushing was great!) and am told that I have two hours to push this monster out before they need to use a vacuum/forceps. As I push I'm told that little bean has his face side ways instead of down (the easiest way to push out a human head is when it's faced down) so I lay on my left, then my right, then on all fours until he's finally ready.

Shit got real. fast. W watched as a little head and body came into the world exactly at 7am on that Friday morning (May 11th 2012), and he was placed on my chest. I'd love to say that I was in tears and so was W... but I think I was in such shock as to how easy and painless the whole thing was that all I could say was "Hello little man, I'm your momma and here's your daddy". The nurse took him away to get cleaned and measured so W took pictures, it wasn't until I saw W holding him in the rocking chair that I burst into tears. His first moment being a Daddy and I could see the tears in his eyes. What an amazing thing to experience right? Haidan weighed in exactly at 7pounds and 48cm long (about 19 inches) and being the goof that I am I said to the nurse "WOW that was great! I could do that again!" It was appropriately a beautiful sunny day, to welcome the newest member of our family 9 days early.
We had a lovely visit from Grandma Hylarides while I got to have a warm shower, then learned the tricks of breastfeeding for the first time (the start of a long haul down the breastfeeding road). We were moved into a recovery room (which was a shared room with another new mommy) and it was a lot smaller than I expected. The woman we shared a room with had just had her 3rd child via c-section and her baby cried (ie screamed) every 2 hours... all night long. Let me just leave that story at: she was a loud baby while Haidan slept the whole time, she had 100 visitors that were loud and intruding, and I was NOT impressed with her at all.
That Friday W learned how to bathe, change and taco wrap Haidan. I video taped his first bath of course, we saw the on site paediatrician who gave us some information about little Haidans balls that hadn't dropped (we have 6-8 months for them to drop and then we have to worry if they haven't arrived) and changed his diaper again. This time he pooped mid-change and peed in his eye and all over his nice clean little body, that was a fun little accident! 

 His first outfit (as I look at these pictures I can't BELIEVE how much he's changed already!)

That night W went home to deal with our furr child Bossy and Haidan and I set in for our first night together, I didn't know how I could possibly sleep with such a new and exciting little human being in my care. I called for help a few times in the night for some help breastfeeding and was shown different positions each time. I couldn't allow my little wonder child to sleep in the plastic tupperware container they put in the recovery room so I spent the night sleeping with him on a pillow beside me (probably not recommended but tooo darn bad!).

Saturday morning I got a little wake up call (not in the literal sense) by the morning nurse that came to check when Haidan fed and was changed last... I forgot to change his diaper in the night and said "Oh I guess we forgot" (not even noticing that I said "we") and the nurse said "OH honey there is no "we" this is YOUR responsibility now, YOU are in charge and have to make sure you do these things"... OOPS that'll be the last time I ever forget to change a diaper in the middle of the night! 
By lunch time the nurse had given us the A-OK for us to leave, so we had a few discharge papers and Haidan had a hearing test to take and we were out of that hospital and home by 4pm. Saturday May 12th was my mom's birthday so we celebrated with a home made meal from W's mom... a love dinner with new parents and newest grandma's!

 Our first family photo... I'm so in love with this picture!

 First day home, looks like I'm 6 months pregnant, but it goes away girls it goes away :)

 So bundled up :)

 Sleeping baby, sleeping daddy at our first doctors appointment

 SO little and cute omg the yellow socks kill me!

Shhhh baby sleeping (and mommy too!)


This is where I'll stop because it's taken me FAR too long to write and finish this story off, next time I get a chance I will be writing about my experiences with a new born, breastfeeding, the things they don't tell you about labor (from my point of view), and all things parent-hood that I TOTALLY didn't expect out of myself or W either!
Thanks for reading and waiting ever so patiently!
xo

The start of my birth story?!

This might be super early BUT all week I've been saying "oh yeah only two more weeks left! But no no noo I don't feel any different, so I think this little fella will be late". That being said I had my 38 week 4 day doctors appointment today and he checked my cooter out and said "Oh yeah you're about 2cm dilated" and proceeded to poke around (quite harshly I might add.. that took me for surprise that's for sure!) and said he expects me to be earlier than my due date and would be surprised if I made it to my next appointment (next Thursday). SAAYYY WHAAAAAAT? My goodness man, clearly he has no filter because he certainly did jab around down there! With my INSANE lower back pain that has been crippling me this past week, and him jabbing around, I was left extremely sore. Now docs always say after an internal exam that there might be some bleeding, but by the time I got the Ikea boxes (for extra diaper storage) and some super maxi pads and a waterproof sheet from Walmart... I was leaking some blood and since 1:30pm today have been also leaking some fluid. No gushes of anything, but definite cramping and leakage of sorts... TMI right? TOO BAD YOU ALREADY READ IT :D


I figured I should start writing about what I've been feeling since this might be the last actual peaceful time I have in the next few days. I wanted to give a shout out to the ladies at the La Leche League meetings that I attended on Monday and Tuesday this week, because if it weren't for them and their open-ness to sharing amazing advice I would probably be SO much more scared than I am now. I also got the chance to see some UBER adorable babies that were like 4 and 5 weeks old... they were soo precious!


Here goes the start of what might be my labour story:


At about 1:30pm I started feeling some cramping that felt like period cramps, that I've had before but it always ended up being that I had to pee or... well number 2. I went to the bathroom and saw that I had leaked a bit of fluid and blood and got nervous. So what every nervous girl does, I called my mom and explained everything to her, she said keep watching the undies and the clock for when the cramps came. I figured to pass the time I would watch criminal minds, and sew some pants and Wayne's shorts that needed to be repaired. Then I rested, attempted to nap but the cramps weren't letting me fall deep enough asleep to feel good. Ellen was next on tv so I wrote her an email and watched Nicki Minaj with her ta-ta-titties out on tv! My mom requested that I measure my belly and boobs (for a bet that we had at Christmas, and for my "before" and "after" measurements) so I snapped a photo, not good ones but here they are...

And this one is yesterday's try on of the maternity romper that I bought... SO much tighter than I anticipated, good thing this babe will be here any day and soon I will look like a normal lady wearing it! What do we think? Flowered romper? Yes yes? 

It's now 5pm and I have for-sure-there cramps, but not close enough for me to time or watch the clock religiously so I'm just hanging out! It's too bad that the lower back pain is SO intense that I can't hardly walk, because I'd love to be out in the cool wind right about now. Not to mention that the dishwasher needs to be emptied, but that much bending and lifting is out of the question and just not worth it... sorry Wayne it's on you now pal :) I don't think that is even a TAD out of the ordinary for me to be suddenly worried about all the things I need to do/get done before the baby arrives. shit eh... well what can ya do!?


My story shall continue as it gets more exciting, keep posted friends :)

Things I wish I knew then...

Yesterday I went to my 4th La Leche League (aka Breast Club in my dictionary) meeting to find out more about breastfeeding and it's challenges/joys. I figure since I haven't attended any prenatal classes I should probably learn what I can about what I don't already know (this was my decision because of my E.C.E schooling and experience with infants, toddlers, preschoolers and school-aged children... I elected to save the $40+ just because). The main things that I don't know about the labour situation is different breathing techniques (but I know how it goes... in...out... repeat) and breastfeeding. La Leche League has given me a chance to meet other mothers in my area, as well as their stories/questions to learn from, and a chance to ask any questions that I might feel silly asking anyone else. SO YESTERDAY... one of the questions the leader asked us was "What do you know now, that you wish you knew before?" and for most of the mothers it was about things they've learned after having their first child, or for the first time mothers it was about the things they worried about and now feel so confident doing, and for me it was the things no one ever tells you about pregnancy that I wish I had known (and what I've learned). Here are some things that I thought of after the meeting...


1. Watch out body, here comes a HUMAN!
If you've ever been even a tad-bit self-concious about your body, wait to be "in shape" before getting pregnant. I had just stopped working at lululemon and was enjoying the summer of not really putting much effort into working out, and I could feel the difference in my body. I wish I had known that if I had kept up with a regular fitness routine it would make my prenatal body very happy. A bonus is that the less fat you have around the middle, the sooner you can feel your baby kick on the outside and see all those little flip-flop movements he/she makes!! I believe that I most likely wouldn't have had some (key word is SOME) of the pains that I have now (ie: lower back, hip joint, pelvis, ancle/foot etc) because the muscle in that area would be stronger. NOW that being said, some women get those pains regardless, and that is perfectly normal too. I've been able to tough it out for the most part, with a little help from 1. Wayne or someone else massaging me 2. the greatest thing to man, Bio-freeze (it's the cold stuff that chiropractors use on muscles... hard to find but amazing to own). 
In the first trimester (weeks 1-13) when most people don't typically show a bump it's hard not to think "wow I'm just packin on the pounds here eh friend?" but I was fortunate enough to have my mom and close friends (and of course Wayne as well) reminding me "You're not fat, your creating a HUMAN!" For me it was (and still is) hard to eliminate those negitive words from my vocabulary like fat, tubbers, fatty lump-kins, and so on. Also remember, you're not the only pregnant woman out there wishing for a bump to appear so that you can finally justify your pants and tops not fitting. (This can also be really hard when it's winter and you already have to wear 5 layers of clothes just to feel warm, let alone hide the chunky-ness you might be feeling. Winter and pregnancy means two things to me now, work-out-work-out-work out for the endorphins to keep smiling, and sleep when you need it... it's OK!)
This picture (13 weeks) I felt SO huge... now I look at myself and say "damn girl you look gooood" and can't WAIT to be back to that normal body (I hope some day).

Second trimester (weeks 14-27) you slowly start showing and feeling a little bit more comfortable with what's going on, but soon enough you realize what fun it is to try to put socks on, clean the floor, or have sex! The little things in life that you never think about become such a pain-in-the-butt, like getting dressed. PERIOD. This was the moment in my pregnancy when I couldn't help but think "is there really a baby in there? Or am I just gaining weight" because I wasn't getting nice shiny hair, beautiful glowing skin, or anything of the sort. I was breaking out with like 3-4 zits a day (or so it seemed) and I have never been the girl with zits, ever... My hair wasn't bad, but it wasn't anything great, and I learned to accept that things are-a-changin sista! I started working out more and more and when I stopped working I felt 1000% better about myself and comfortable in my ever-stretching-skin.
Check the difference between my 17 week and 27 week photo... CA-RAZY right?!

Third trimester (weeks 28-40+) is great because usually you're full blown bump and people no longer question (in their heads) on the street if you're just fat or pregnant. It's also a great time because you can start dressing your bump, realizing that any shoe that isn't slip on isn't worth wearing, soon enough you give up on jeans (even of the maternity sort), and sometimes... juust sometimes you're skin stops being mad at you and bursting into blemishes. This is also the time that you feel yucky because things REALLY stop fitting (even the stretchy stuff), your feet feel miles away, the pains arrive and sometimes never stop, you get a little waddle on when you walk, the nesting starts, sex is just funny (see: starfish no matter what), some women get stretch marks or varicose veins, and shit start getting real. The count down begins and you've got to learn to accept that your body is growing to create a home for your unborn child, and you can't do a damn thing about that! 
Here is my daring part-nudie photos of 28 weeks and 38 weeks... nuts eh?!

2. Worry-wort-ing doesn't solve anything!
I can worry all I want but what matters is what I am able to action. There are endless things that a first time mother can worry about: is he growing alright in there? is there enough space in our one bedroom condo? will I be a good mother? will he cry so much that I go crazy? will I be able to deal with the lack of sleep? will I get the support I need from Wayne? will I loose all sense of self? will I loose the "baby weight" and have a "normal" body again? will our relationship change for the better or the worse? will I be able to enjoy summer? will I loose all my friends? have I done enough in my life to feel complete ie travel etc? will Bossy be a good boy with a baby around? will the baby die from hair-ball ingestion? do I have everything I need? will I be able to breast feed? 
OK, that's out there, now to what I can action. Learning to accept that there are some things in life that you just can't change is good, hard, but good. I've learned that I will have to make due with the living space that we have and the dog that we have and the support that I have, and most important... that all I have is GREAT! I am so fortunate to have everything I do, and this little baby is going to have all this greatness as well. The worries, they will subside when Wayne and I meet and learn about this little human being and we will succeed as we go. I love that every mother I talk to reminds me "you will make mistakes, you will learn from it, and you won't be perfect but it WILL be ok!" This babe is going to love the crap out of Wayne and me like no other human can... that is enough for me to feel happy.

3. Appreciation for the things in life you forget. 

This is mainly me saying "OMG thank you mom for putting up with all the times I kicked you in the ribs, prevented you from sleeping, made you crave pickles, sucked on your nose etc." When mother's day rolls around, and maybe some days between, you've always got reasons to be thankful for your mother... but when you're pregnant and going through all the same or similar pains she went through (or maybe worse) you have a whole new appreciation for what she (and millions and millions of other mothers around the world) do to bring you into this world and make you a pretty great person. Now, I don't mean to say that fathers have nothing to do with the raising and developing of a child, but the relationship between a mother and her child is SO different and indescribable. No other person, other than your child(ren), will ever hear your heart being from the inside. You will never use your own body to create another human being's brains, heart, lungs, bones, skin, hair, eyes... THINK about all the things that your own mother did with her body, just so that you would exist! Every time I think about the things my body is creating right this second... I am at a loss of words. Pretty.darn.amazing!

My Momma Drea :) 

I also have a new appreciation for Wayne. He has put up with one very moody and emotional me. I'm usually not super emotional or bitchy (I mean we all have our times) but pregnancy is one of those times when you cry for no reason, or get really frustrated about nothing, stressed about silly things, or anxious about (in reality) nothing. Instead of getting angry with me or frustrated as well, all he does is hugs me, rubs my belly, or just sits and cuddles with me and I am constantly reminded of why I love this guy SO freakin' much. He hasn't read a darn thing about pregnancy, labour, child rearing of any sort... but I have learned to accept that he will learn in his own way when the time comes. He has proved to be the rock in our relationship when I am but a kite flying around thinking about moving, baby clothes, diapers, the cleanliness of our house, what to do with the dog...OH the list goes on and on, he reminds me that it will be alright and that as long as we are together we will be one happy family in a small house with a big dog, and it will be great! I couldn't be more thankful to have him in my life... I won the lottery with this one and wouldn't change a thing about him!!


4. Style as a momma. WAY less than you might think it needs to be/is.
I say this because I have learned (with the help of the ladies' blogs I follow online http://lolovelace.blogspot.ca/ and http://www.thedaybookblog.com/ and http://www.natthefatrat.com/ ) that motherhood style doesn't have to be any different than anyone else's normal style. That being said I am one super relaxed, cotton/stretchy loving, laid back stylist that doesn't do the bangles and neck laces and high heels that some mommy's do... BUT I have started to invision what I will look like as a mother. Picture a semi-hippy-semi-stylish, dress-nice-when-I-MUST, don't-give-a-shit-what-you-think momma wearing berks, lululemon leggings, dresses that seem like they're from the kids section, cotton/stretch-all-the-time-to-keep-it-comfy, scarves in summer, curly almost-afro-hair, little-to-no make up, loving life with one UBER cute little fat babe. I think (or at least I hope) that once you're a mom you can also get away with a few things that no other human being would dare to wear together, like weird colours/prints and miss matchy-ness all around. Correct me if I'm wrong but I just CREATED and BIRTHED a human being, I get to wear whatever I want... right?!
Here's a funny one... Halloween 2010 me as mother nature...?

5. I wish I was a journal-er.
I've never been into writing in a journal, and I wish I had thought of starting this blog a LOT earlier in my pregnancy. I think it would have been SO great to look back at what I was thinking when times were not so sunny and bright, and had the comparison to show my little one some day. that being said I'm glad I started none the less! I also wish that I took more pictures of not only my belly but of life as well... I do it now so for that I can be grateful :)

April showers brings May flowers...

Saturday April 28th was my shower, thrown by my beautiful friend Megan, sooo like the title says "April showers brings May flowers" aka babies! I had SO much fun helping plan the shower, getting a million blue candies to give as gifts and then seeing some of my most cherished friends that I hadn't seen in a while! I think it's funny when you don't see a friend for a few months and you live in the same city, it seems silly to not see them more often! Life happens and people get busy and that's how it goes, so my self note for the day was "Make more time for friends!"
Let's get on to the more fun and important things, like cake and candies and cute little onesies and diapers!! We had originally gotten a giant costco cake because I LOVE their cakes and mostly wanted the left overs for myself, but there ended up not being enough people to eat it, and too many delicious treats to bother opening it. So being the money saver I am (and concious of how big my bum would grow if I kept the whole cake for myself) I returned the cake later that day! I'm silly, I know, but I make myself laugh and that's important!

Here's the table of treats, let me tell you about the lemon blueberry cupcakes that were SO scrumptious almost everyone had at least two! I also took some home and wish I took the whole case... home made by Amanda!

 Wayne and I before the shower began with the candy gifts. He promptly ran out after this picture, for fear of all the girls ha.

 BEAUTIFUL and huge diaper cake from Jen... So huge I couldn't believe it! And home made with a 10 month old kickin around her house... talk about super mom!

 THIS cake... also home made by my fellow E.C.E class mate Amanda, in this wonder there was all kinds of treats hidden! What more could you ask for!

 A million diapers, onesies and hats at the bottom, soothers and rattles and teethers and shampoo etc and one big cute giraffe stuffie on top! WOWZA!

Cute little onesie! Behind me you can see the BEAUTIFUL hand painted growth chart that Melissa made... she's so talented and I am SO so grateful for her skill because I would never be able to create something so amazing!

 Showing off some belly tricks haha

Melissa won the belly measuring contest! I don't know how she did it but she was exactly right on!

Sandy and Amanda playing the good ol game of "smell the diaper poo" that's really melted chocolate! Yummm ladies!

 Jess loving the belly! 

Fun toys for all ages right?

I am soo fortunate to have such lovely and creative friends and also to have my mom attend the shower as well! It was great timing for her to be moving things into her new apartment in the city, she also got to embarrass me in front of friends ha!