Honest Monday

Today was a rough day, I don't know what it was about today but it was rough. Yesterday was not only Remembrance day, but also Haidan's 6 MONTH BIRTHDAY!!! WOW as if right? I seriously can't get over it... but moving on, let's get to the point here. I'm going to be honest...

I'm still living in September, back when Wayne was away for work for almost two straight weeks and I haven't worked out since then. I had convinced myself that I was ok with not working out and was feeling great because I was feeling a different kind of energized. I feel like I've been living my life a lot more and enjoying time with Haidan and our new mommy-baby friends every day. I've been finding new activities every day to do with Haidan and have truly been enjoying that. BUT... (my big ol butt) I'm not getting any smaller and I haven't been achieving any goals, and I'm starting to feel shitty again. I think about when I was pregnant (or even in the few weeks post post-partum) and I would say "OH by the time Haidan is 6 months I'll be so skinny again..." Yeah. friggin. right. friend.
Tomorrow I am getting back to the gym. I have been eating fairly healthily as I always do, but that's just not enough. I feel like this is a battle I might just be fighting for the rest of my years... is the light ever going to be at the end of this fatso tunnel? Gurr... 
I think another reason why I suddenly feel like crap is also because I'm getting married in 5 weeks and I KNOW that I won't look my greatest in pictures that are going to be shown for the rest of my life (and photo shop can only do so much... ha). I want Haidan to look back at pictures of our little city hall wedding and say "WOW mom you looked great!" but I know that won't happen... unless I get fatter by the time he would ever say that about me haha...
I miss my lululemon life that was full of working out either in sweet gyms, at the yoga studio of my choice, on a run with my friends or Wayne, etc etc... all things I am not doing. I used to set goals and achieve them. I used to strive to be an amazing person every single day. I used to try to inspire those around me. I used to dream big and shoot for the stars... I used to be a different person. My life has changed a lot, and I know that it's something that was obviously bound to happen (espicially since having a beautiful baby is WAY different than anything I've ever done) but sometimes I think about how much I wish I could have just a little bit of it back. I look at pictures of myself (when I thought I was fat then...) and think WOW I look so damn small... not encouraging to say the least but in a weird twisted way it is a little bit of an inspiration. If only I could get to the gym as much as I would like... 

Here are my new goals that I am going to try my hardest to achieve.

• Work out for a total of 150 minutes each week (That's 2.5 hours in a 6 day week... sundays off!)
• Sweat once a day
• Maintain my Haidan-mommy adventure activities each week
• Register for a running room half marathon clinic (18 week training program)
• Breath and let go. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past
• Choose happiness each day (even when the fussy boy comes and invades my beautiful little baby's body over night)
• LET GO

I feel like these might be silly but they might just help.... I am also going to register for the lululemon sea wheeze half marathon that will be August 10th 2013 in vancouver. I CANT WAIT because I've never been out west, and what better reason to go than the most amazing half marathon of my life. I know I can do it because I've done it before (and more) so the training begins tomorrow. ( Tonight, I eat pasta and bread and beer)