I'm sure I've said this about a dozen times already but so far, motherhood is more like the puberty I never hit as a teenager. Acne, gross and weird hair, growing boobs, growing body in weird lumpy ways, and best of all... the mood swinging emotions.
First I want to mention the beautiful, amazing Sydney and her post here: Blerg when I read this I was all like "OMG WHAT?! I'm not the only one? Really? Really is this true? But she makes it look so easy, and she's so skinny, and she's in so many beautiful photos, and I totally envy her!!!" Which was a really cool feeling to have!
The emotions that come with motherhood can be intense and at times hard to deal with. Everyone feels emotional, but sometimes it's so weird to feel elated and happy and then so upset about something only hours apart. It is totally normal, but I'm sure that I'm not that only one that has thought "man, am I going crazy?" Life is full of new things every day, and just like every other person in the world (baby in tow or not) some days are way better than others. Spit up on a bad day, then a poop blow out, then an unhappy baby that just won't settle, then no food in the fridge, then a rude person on the sidewalk, then..... it can add up fast! I've had a few days that I just have to let myself have a cry and let it out. I'm not afraid to admit that... because after all I'm human, a human that MADE a human and sometimes we both aren't on the same page. And after all, it takes time to get to know each other (he has his own personality after all). I know I'm not the only person out there, the only mother out there... Right? (DONT get me started on my body...it's STILL an ARGH but I'm not going to go there...ugh)
After all, us mommy friends... we gotta stick together and support each other. I'm so happy that I've found a few new great mommy friends and am able to get out of the house and go to "Mom Club" (I don't know if that's the actual name of it, but that's what I refer to it as) every Thursday morning. It usually turns into a great morning/afternoon full of walking around the Glebe and enjoying treats of all sorts. What I love most is that we talk about everything under the sun. Judgements aside we discuss all kinds of baby junk (see: poop, feeding, boobs, labor, husbands, neighbourhoods, life etc) and I really truly feel supported. Plus my mommy-friend and I also walk to the meeting so we get that extra 40min to and from the meeting to chat about our new life!
Motherhood can be a roller coaster, and sometimes it's good to have a friend beside you that knows all about what you're talking about.
So thank you mommy friends... where ever you are out there, THANK YOU :)
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
It gets better
I can't believe I'm going to say this but, like that woman at my very first lactation drop in said, IT GETS BETTER!
Thank heavens because for some, those first few weeks can be pretty rough (anyone remember my breastfeeding post? uh yeaaah)! I can't believe that this little boy is already 5 months old. FIVE MONTHS, it's been since my life changed completely, since I was about 30lbs heavier, since I had any kind of freedom from this house, since my boobs were a normal size (for me anyways), since I slept 8+ hours straight, since I enjoyed my bed all to myself, since I've been able to be completely selfish, since I've read a book (ha!), since I met the love of a life time!
It seems cleche to say, but he really is the love of my life. I read a post of a good friend of mine that said "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" so beautiful! I know this might seem obvious, but I just was thinking the other day that for the rest of my LIFE I will have a son named Haidan. ISNT THAT AMAZING!!! I look into his dreamy eyes and think, "Wow boy, you and me have a long fun road a head of us" it's so fun to think about all the things he will learn and all the things I need to teach. (All of which I am scared shitless about screwing up, but I know it will be ok)
I look at new parents and think, wow, once I thought this was really hard. Every day it's gotten easier and more fun. Mind you some days I'm ready to stay in the shower until the screaming stops, but those days we fill with extra fun things (usually ends in ____colate). I really do enjoy life with Haidan, and can't imagine any other way, in fact sometimes I forget what it was like... being alone, showering alone, walking the dog alone, talking about worldly things with W.
I also wanted to give a little update while I can about my fitness/goals/body image issues. While W was on pretty much two weeks of work trips, I didn't force myself to figure out a way to keep my workouts going. Instead I focused on doing lots of fun things with Haidan that were outside of the house. That included little driving trips so that he would get used to the car in small doses (which so far has totally paid off! FINALLY), trips to the library, walks along the canal, walks to the glebe community center "Mom club", and making new mommy friends. I can say with SO MUCH confidence and joy, that I have never felt better. I was getting pretty tired of kicking my ass every day and not seeing quick amazing results... and unfortunately when I measured myself October 1st I hadn't lost ANY inches (first time since July that I haven't lost a single inch... gurr). So maybe this self image thing that I had going on in the summer months has faded because of the new amazing beautiful fall weather, or maybe because I finally am living guilt free? Who knows, but all that matters is that I feel great and maybe one day will get back to the gym. I left off at week 4 of the Jamie Eason Phase 1... I'd like to get back to that but we'll see what the future holds... tomorrow.
Anyways this is turning into a bit of a ramble sesh... I'm going to stop here and just say THANK GOODNESS it gets better. And "This too shall pass" so live in the moment friends because every moment counts!
Thank heavens because for some, those first few weeks can be pretty rough (anyone remember my breastfeeding post? uh yeaaah)! I can't believe that this little boy is already 5 months old. FIVE MONTHS, it's been since my life changed completely, since I was about 30lbs heavier, since I had any kind of freedom from this house, since my boobs were a normal size (for me anyways), since I slept 8+ hours straight, since I enjoyed my bed all to myself, since I've been able to be completely selfish, since I've read a book (ha!), since I met the love of a life time!
It seems cleche to say, but he really is the love of my life. I read a post of a good friend of mine that said "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" so beautiful! I know this might seem obvious, but I just was thinking the other day that for the rest of my LIFE I will have a son named Haidan. ISNT THAT AMAZING!!! I look into his dreamy eyes and think, "Wow boy, you and me have a long fun road a head of us" it's so fun to think about all the things he will learn and all the things I need to teach. (All of which I am scared shitless about screwing up, but I know it will be ok)
I look at new parents and think, wow, once I thought this was really hard. Every day it's gotten easier and more fun. Mind you some days I'm ready to stay in the shower until the screaming stops, but those days we fill with extra fun things (usually ends in ____colate). I really do enjoy life with Haidan, and can't imagine any other way, in fact sometimes I forget what it was like... being alone, showering alone, walking the dog alone, talking about worldly things with W.
I also wanted to give a little update while I can about my fitness/goals/body image issues. While W was on pretty much two weeks of work trips, I didn't force myself to figure out a way to keep my workouts going. Instead I focused on doing lots of fun things with Haidan that were outside of the house. That included little driving trips so that he would get used to the car in small doses (which so far has totally paid off! FINALLY), trips to the library, walks along the canal, walks to the glebe community center "Mom club", and making new mommy friends. I can say with SO MUCH confidence and joy, that I have never felt better. I was getting pretty tired of kicking my ass every day and not seeing quick amazing results... and unfortunately when I measured myself October 1st I hadn't lost ANY inches (first time since July that I haven't lost a single inch... gurr). So maybe this self image thing that I had going on in the summer months has faded because of the new amazing beautiful fall weather, or maybe because I finally am living guilt free? Who knows, but all that matters is that I feel great and maybe one day will get back to the gym. I left off at week 4 of the Jamie Eason Phase 1... I'd like to get back to that but we'll see what the future holds... tomorrow.
Anyways this is turning into a bit of a ramble sesh... I'm going to stop here and just say THANK GOODNESS it gets better. And "This too shall pass" so live in the moment friends because every moment counts!
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Choices
I'm going to write a really quick, really controversial post before W goes on a trip (and while he watches 60 minutes with Haidan babe). If you don't agree with my choices, I understand, but if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all (Please and thank you).
Four years ago on my 20th birthday I celebrated by going out for dinner with all my closest girlfriends, where I had 5 billinis with double shots etc etc you know the story. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE surprise because I had just moved home and had decided to start a fresh new life without my ex. Here I was with his baby, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The very long story short I had to make a decision:
Live with a baby with a person that was emotionally (and border line physically) abusive, who I knew deep down wasn't good for me (or for that baby), with $10 000 of student debt, not done my college diploma yet, not a job in sight, and living with my mother in her spare bedroom on a pull out couch.
OR
Do the unthinkable and terminate my pregnancy.
You may or may not know that I come from a family of teachers, I have loved children my whole life, I never thought that I would be put in a situation like that, and never thought I would have made the choice I did. But I did. The end.
Every now and then I think about what my life would have been like. Living with a person who was toxic, with no job or income in our family, miserable because we were stuck in a relationship that I/we didn't want to be in, with a 4 year old (now). WHO knows what really would have happened but every day that I have a hard day with Haidan I thank my brain and heart for being strong and making the choice I did. I am thankful that I am able to make that choice legally, and that it was an easy process (in the grand scheme of things anyways) (by no means am I saying that it was easy physically or mentally, please understand that it is THE hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do), and that I have a happy healthy relationship with the most amazing man alive.
I know now that my relationship with my parents would not be what it is now. I know that I would have probably slipped easily into depression and would not have been as great of a mom as I would have needed to be. I would not have had the amazing job opportunities that I have had. I would not have met the man of my dreams. I would not live where I'm living. I would not be as happy as I am. I would be resentful and miserable.
Yes it wasn't an ideal situation, I believe I am a stronger person because of it.
The point of this post is to be honest and open about my past. When I complain about how hard things can be with Haidan, there is always the thought in my mind about HOW MUCH harder it could have been. I am not always proud of my decision but now I know, more than ever, that it absolutely was the right decision for me to make at that point in my life. I don't want to seem like I am trying to influence anyone's decisions, that isn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have the life I do.
Four years ago on my 20th birthday I celebrated by going out for dinner with all my closest girlfriends, where I had 5 billinis with double shots etc etc you know the story. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE surprise because I had just moved home and had decided to start a fresh new life without my ex. Here I was with his baby, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The very long story short I had to make a decision:
Live with a baby with a person that was emotionally (and border line physically) abusive, who I knew deep down wasn't good for me (or for that baby), with $10 000 of student debt, not done my college diploma yet, not a job in sight, and living with my mother in her spare bedroom on a pull out couch.
OR
Do the unthinkable and terminate my pregnancy.
You may or may not know that I come from a family of teachers, I have loved children my whole life, I never thought that I would be put in a situation like that, and never thought I would have made the choice I did. But I did. The end.
Every now and then I think about what my life would have been like. Living with a person who was toxic, with no job or income in our family, miserable because we were stuck in a relationship that I/we didn't want to be in, with a 4 year old (now). WHO knows what really would have happened but every day that I have a hard day with Haidan I thank my brain and heart for being strong and making the choice I did. I am thankful that I am able to make that choice legally, and that it was an easy process (in the grand scheme of things anyways) (by no means am I saying that it was easy physically or mentally, please understand that it is THE hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do), and that I have a happy healthy relationship with the most amazing man alive.
I know now that my relationship with my parents would not be what it is now. I know that I would have probably slipped easily into depression and would not have been as great of a mom as I would have needed to be. I would not have had the amazing job opportunities that I have had. I would not have met the man of my dreams. I would not live where I'm living. I would not be as happy as I am. I would be resentful and miserable.
Yes it wasn't an ideal situation, I believe I am a stronger person because of it.
The point of this post is to be honest and open about my past. When I complain about how hard things can be with Haidan, there is always the thought in my mind about HOW MUCH harder it could have been. I am not always proud of my decision but now I know, more than ever, that it absolutely was the right decision for me to make at that point in my life. I don't want to seem like I am trying to influence anyone's decisions, that isn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have the life I do.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
Momma Bear's Goals (strictly personal)
Here it is friends, I have defined and refined my goals. I've been struggling feeling like I'm getting my shit together... I guess that's life with a baby though. Do you ever really feel like your shit is together? Ducks in any kind of line? Meh I'm kinda over ever feeling like that because I've realized that it will come one day and on that day, I will look in the mirror (or maybe at W, to feel a little less crazy) and LAUGH.
I wrote some goals when I was pregnant, for myself, for my family, etc. And I have had only one amazing friend (Thanks miss Tara Prue) actually hold me accountable! Where is my support team? It's ok, I forgive y'all, I know life gets in the way sometimes and before you know it it's been four months! YIKES right?! Here are my new goals, short sweet and simple.
I wrote some goals when I was pregnant, for myself, for my family, etc. And I have had only one amazing friend (Thanks miss Tara Prue) actually hold me accountable! Where is my support team? It's ok, I forgive y'all, I know life gets in the way sometimes and before you know it it's been four months! YIKES right?! Here are my new goals, short sweet and simple.
- 20 minutes of cardio (elliptical or treadmill up hill) every morning with ab work.
- 20 minute of cardio (eppiptical or treadmill up hill) every evening with Jaime Eason's 12 week body building program (Finished Novemeber 26th)
- Clean eating (90% paleo)
- Massage once every 2 weeks (or maybe once a month... depends on how I feel)
- Mani/Pedi once a month
- Date night with Wayne once a week (dinner and a movie?)
My goal is to fit into my $10 goal jeans by November 26th, I would like to be at my goal weight by then too but I'm not sure if it's realistic... hmm
Pics to follow, my phone is acting up....
I love and appriciate all the support and encouragement xo
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Parenting 101- As if I know anything?
Well friends let me start by telling you I'm sitting on the lap top in the living room in the pitch black (except the stove light on) with Haidan babe in the snugli (baby carrier) AND swing, sleeping peacefully.
This is my parenting post. By my own experience, so I'd like to quote my La Leche League meeting leaders by saying "take what you want from what other people are saying, if you don't agree or think something is wrong in the, that is totally fine, leave it at the door" (or in this case, close the window).
Parenting is by far, bar-none, winning the gold medal at being the hardest, most challenging, testing, amazing, beautiful, fun thing I have EVER done in my entire life. Having had gone to school for Early Childhood Education and working in the daycare field for more than 3 years prior to having Haidan, there are many many things I said I would never do that I am currently doing (and loving). Before I explain, let me start by giving my number one parenting tip.... Ready? Here it is...
Read all the books you want during pregnancy, I'm talkin those little cute magazines, the parenting Canada magazines, "What to expect when you're expecting", the whole she-bang... Once you've read them (and tired to get your partner to read them, or even tid-bits of them) GET RID OF THEM! Donate those bitches, pass them on to your friends, put them in a box in the basement/storage unit whatever... just get them the eff out of your face because as soon as that baby is born you'll feel like your brain has gone to mush and you won't want to have to look up in some stupid book "BAH what do I do when..." If you've read the books you want from cover to cover (and been able to retain some of the very boring information) you should have ingrained in your brain the important stuff that you want/need to remember. EVEN having read about a million pages of Early Childhood books in school I still sometimes feel like I don't have a clue at what I'm doing. It's OK! I have remembered the things I wanted to remember, and use what I wanted to use from each book. Some books I read I thought to myself "Wow I'm going to totally do this, I love this way of parenting, yeah lets have no plastic toys, oh man I'm totally going to pump every day and have a million bags of breast milk stored so that I can work out whenever I need to, ohh yeaaah I'm going to breastfeed on demand, E.A.S.Y yes that's the routine I'll follow from day one." Crock. Of. Shit my friends. Read, and decide on the type of parent you envision yourself becoming (and talk this over with your partner) and forget the rest. Because quite frankly there is a damn book for EVERYTHING. Now I don't know about y'all but I can be easily influenced by what other people say, ie books... so the book that I read that said to follow the "E.A.S.Y" routine (Eat, activity, sleep, you (mommy) time) I had decided that was what I was totally 100% going to do. I still to this day am trying to get Haidan consistantly on that routine but sometimes the kid just wants to nurse to sleep and that is damn fine by me... one day I'll get it, and so will he.
Any ways, on to the things I never thought I would do...
1. Give my baby a soother. I always said -I mean always since I was old enough to understand that I never got a soother and that no kid should ever have a "plug" in their mouth- that I would never give my poor little baby a soother. Why would you need to give them a soother? They only cry to tell you they need something? Don't you knoooow that if you give your baby a soother they will never talk to you? Don't you know that they need to learn to use their voice?
You know what, when you've had your teet sucked on for two hours and nothing else will sooth him... guess what he gets. A SOOTHER! The day I decided that W might be right on this one, I grabbed the first soother in our stack of supplies, stuck the thing in his mouth, and away we went. I believe my first words were "Haidan I don't like you with this soother, but I still love you". He doesn't take it that much any more, I think because his bottle (given when I am away working out etc.) and my nipple are shaped nothing like the soother, so for now that's fine. Eventually we might need to find something, but mark my words he will not be one of those kids that is 2+ years old with a soother... (I hope)
2. Co-sleep with my infant. HOW on earth could you sleep with your child and put their poor little life in your sleep-less hands?! How could you take the chance of rolling over your baby and loosing the little life you created? Why not just develop a routine from the start to help you all?
Low and behold here we are, a big ol family in the same queen size bed (trust me, I'm pushing for a king). I blame it on the hospital, I was roomed with a woman who had a c-section and needed to call the nurse every time her baby screamed (if you've read my birth story I believe that I've mentioned this... the baby cried what seemed like every damn hour while my lovely little Haidan slept like a champ). I was worried Haidan would wake up that often too, so I brought him into bed with me and nursed him when I needed to and slept with him on a pillow beside me when I was pretending to sleep.
From that day on I have had Haidan sleeping next to me or on top of me. For the first little while I spent some nights on the couch with a camp set up, foot stool near my head so that if Haidan rolled he wouldn't be on the floor, just the right pillows, blanket, water, phone, burp cloth etc. I tried a few nights to wake up, feed, then put Haidan in his crib directly next to our bed (even at the same level) but with his little noises and movements I was just a wreck and wasn't actually sleeping. So now we sleep with the crib beside us and a blanket over the railing, Haidan, me, then W. I get such great sleeps that sometimes I even have vivid dreams, I sleep on my side and feed/nurse most of the time but sometimes I wake on my back (which means I am having a great sleep!), and Haidan gets sweaty some nights because we're so cosy together.
I know that co-sleeping is very controversial because some people are like I was before having kids, and I 100% understand where they are coming from and some times I do fear that something bad will happen. I believe in myself and my sense of self/Haidan babe and his needs, and I believe that if I can get a great sleep and feel rested and energetic and function the next day, that is BY FAR the most important thing. I dread the day W suggests we move Haidan into his crib, or for some other reason we decide to start the transition... but I know it will come before I want it. I would love to have a king sized bed on the floor that we sleep in until Haidan decides he's had enough, but I don't think that's realistic for now.
3. Diapers. I had a brief time that I really wanted to use cloth diapers and be a super green mom... but decided that even thought it would be great (and I might still try it out some day) I'd still be using lots of water to wash those damn diapers, and I have enough laundry to do with all of the clothes W puts out in a day. I really do commend the parents that go cloth, but for me right now... Nah.
One last side note of parenting. Being a parent is nuts... especially a mother. I can remember in the last months of pregnancy thinking that W was like a god. I was so impressed and smitten with him I thought I was going crazy. (Note: I still think he's absolutely amazing but I'm talkin weird shit here...) I would just hold his soft-skinned-arm and smell his sweet man-skin and think I was in heaven. It's weird right?
In the hospital I remember being a little bit sad as I stared at W in the waiting room before the labour room. I was sad that it would never again be "just the two of us" and worried that our relationship would change for the worse. We've been together three years now and that's not very long for new parents. Times get really stressful and sometimes I do feel a bit crazy, but luckily he is one VERY amazing man.
After Haidan was born and parenting became real life, I can remember thinking W was so amazing and fabulous and... I don't even have words for how surprised and smitten I was with him taking on this new parent role. He didn't read a damn book but is still so helpful, if he has a question he figures it out. In the two weeks that he spent at home with Haidan and I he really stepped up as a parent and partner, he brought me breakfast in bed, lunch in my feeding chair, and dinner wherever I ended up at that time. He brought home flowers and plants and walked the dog (if he didn't the darn thing would surely be dead by now with this heat), he did the laundry, cleaned, did dishes, cared for me and every night reminded me that I'm doing a great job and being a great mommy. Sometimes he was so great and just reminded me of why I feel in love with him in the first place that I would actually cry, cry tears of "oh-my-goodness-I'm-the-luckiest-girl-in-the-world" tears.
He's back at work now so things are different, even though I sometimes find myself amazed at how silly he's being and I have to remind him that Haidan is only just now 3 months old (he won't be walking or throwin balls and day soon), I still am so incredibly greatful to have him as my partner in crime. Hormones are a bitch and I can be a big one, I know that, and I admit when I am wrong... God bless his soul for putting up with my madness and loving me so much through thick and thin.
This is my parenting post. By my own experience, so I'd like to quote my La Leche League meeting leaders by saying "take what you want from what other people are saying, if you don't agree or think something is wrong in the, that is totally fine, leave it at the door" (or in this case, close the window).
Parenting is by far, bar-none, winning the gold medal at being the hardest, most challenging, testing, amazing, beautiful, fun thing I have EVER done in my entire life. Having had gone to school for Early Childhood Education and working in the daycare field for more than 3 years prior to having Haidan, there are many many things I said I would never do that I am currently doing (and loving). Before I explain, let me start by giving my number one parenting tip.... Ready? Here it is...
Read all the books you want during pregnancy, I'm talkin those little cute magazines, the parenting Canada magazines, "What to expect when you're expecting", the whole she-bang... Once you've read them (and tired to get your partner to read them, or even tid-bits of them) GET RID OF THEM! Donate those bitches, pass them on to your friends, put them in a box in the basement/storage unit whatever... just get them the eff out of your face because as soon as that baby is born you'll feel like your brain has gone to mush and you won't want to have to look up in some stupid book "BAH what do I do when..." If you've read the books you want from cover to cover (and been able to retain some of the very boring information) you should have ingrained in your brain the important stuff that you want/need to remember. EVEN having read about a million pages of Early Childhood books in school I still sometimes feel like I don't have a clue at what I'm doing. It's OK! I have remembered the things I wanted to remember, and use what I wanted to use from each book. Some books I read I thought to myself "Wow I'm going to totally do this, I love this way of parenting, yeah lets have no plastic toys, oh man I'm totally going to pump every day and have a million bags of breast milk stored so that I can work out whenever I need to, ohh yeaaah I'm going to breastfeed on demand, E.A.S.Y yes that's the routine I'll follow from day one." Crock. Of. Shit my friends. Read, and decide on the type of parent you envision yourself becoming (and talk this over with your partner) and forget the rest. Because quite frankly there is a damn book for EVERYTHING. Now I don't know about y'all but I can be easily influenced by what other people say, ie books... so the book that I read that said to follow the "E.A.S.Y" routine (Eat, activity, sleep, you (mommy) time) I had decided that was what I was totally 100% going to do. I still to this day am trying to get Haidan consistantly on that routine but sometimes the kid just wants to nurse to sleep and that is damn fine by me... one day I'll get it, and so will he.
Any ways, on to the things I never thought I would do...
1. Give my baby a soother. I always said -I mean always since I was old enough to understand that I never got a soother and that no kid should ever have a "plug" in their mouth- that I would never give my poor little baby a soother. Why would you need to give them a soother? They only cry to tell you they need something? Don't you knoooow that if you give your baby a soother they will never talk to you? Don't you know that they need to learn to use their voice?
You know what, when you've had your teet sucked on for two hours and nothing else will sooth him... guess what he gets. A SOOTHER! The day I decided that W might be right on this one, I grabbed the first soother in our stack of supplies, stuck the thing in his mouth, and away we went. I believe my first words were "Haidan I don't like you with this soother, but I still love you". He doesn't take it that much any more, I think because his bottle (given when I am away working out etc.) and my nipple are shaped nothing like the soother, so for now that's fine. Eventually we might need to find something, but mark my words he will not be one of those kids that is 2+ years old with a soother... (I hope)
2. Co-sleep with my infant. HOW on earth could you sleep with your child and put their poor little life in your sleep-less hands?! How could you take the chance of rolling over your baby and loosing the little life you created? Why not just develop a routine from the start to help you all?
Low and behold here we are, a big ol family in the same queen size bed (trust me, I'm pushing for a king). I blame it on the hospital, I was roomed with a woman who had a c-section and needed to call the nurse every time her baby screamed (if you've read my birth story I believe that I've mentioned this... the baby cried what seemed like every damn hour while my lovely little Haidan slept like a champ). I was worried Haidan would wake up that often too, so I brought him into bed with me and nursed him when I needed to and slept with him on a pillow beside me when I was pretending to sleep.
From that day on I have had Haidan sleeping next to me or on top of me. For the first little while I spent some nights on the couch with a camp set up, foot stool near my head so that if Haidan rolled he wouldn't be on the floor, just the right pillows, blanket, water, phone, burp cloth etc. I tried a few nights to wake up, feed, then put Haidan in his crib directly next to our bed (even at the same level) but with his little noises and movements I was just a wreck and wasn't actually sleeping. So now we sleep with the crib beside us and a blanket over the railing, Haidan, me, then W. I get such great sleeps that sometimes I even have vivid dreams, I sleep on my side and feed/nurse most of the time but sometimes I wake on my back (which means I am having a great sleep!), and Haidan gets sweaty some nights because we're so cosy together.
I know that co-sleeping is very controversial because some people are like I was before having kids, and I 100% understand where they are coming from and some times I do fear that something bad will happen. I believe in myself and my sense of self/Haidan babe and his needs, and I believe that if I can get a great sleep and feel rested and energetic and function the next day, that is BY FAR the most important thing. I dread the day W suggests we move Haidan into his crib, or for some other reason we decide to start the transition... but I know it will come before I want it. I would love to have a king sized bed on the floor that we sleep in until Haidan decides he's had enough, but I don't think that's realistic for now.
3. Diapers. I had a brief time that I really wanted to use cloth diapers and be a super green mom... but decided that even thought it would be great (and I might still try it out some day) I'd still be using lots of water to wash those damn diapers, and I have enough laundry to do with all of the clothes W puts out in a day. I really do commend the parents that go cloth, but for me right now... Nah.
One last side note of parenting. Being a parent is nuts... especially a mother. I can remember in the last months of pregnancy thinking that W was like a god. I was so impressed and smitten with him I thought I was going crazy. (Note: I still think he's absolutely amazing but I'm talkin weird shit here...) I would just hold his soft-skinned-arm and smell his sweet man-skin and think I was in heaven. It's weird right?
In the hospital I remember being a little bit sad as I stared at W in the waiting room before the labour room. I was sad that it would never again be "just the two of us" and worried that our relationship would change for the worse. We've been together three years now and that's not very long for new parents. Times get really stressful and sometimes I do feel a bit crazy, but luckily he is one VERY amazing man.
After Haidan was born and parenting became real life, I can remember thinking W was so amazing and fabulous and... I don't even have words for how surprised and smitten I was with him taking on this new parent role. He didn't read a damn book but is still so helpful, if he has a question he figures it out. In the two weeks that he spent at home with Haidan and I he really stepped up as a parent and partner, he brought me breakfast in bed, lunch in my feeding chair, and dinner wherever I ended up at that time. He brought home flowers and plants and walked the dog (if he didn't the darn thing would surely be dead by now with this heat), he did the laundry, cleaned, did dishes, cared for me and every night reminded me that I'm doing a great job and being a great mommy. Sometimes he was so great and just reminded me of why I feel in love with him in the first place that I would actually cry, cry tears of "oh-my-goodness-I'm-the-luckiest-girl-in-the-world" tears.
He's back at work now so things are different, even though I sometimes find myself amazed at how silly he's being and I have to remind him that Haidan is only just now 3 months old (he won't be walking or throwin balls and day soon), I still am so incredibly greatful to have him as my partner in crime. Hormones are a bitch and I can be a big one, I know that, and I admit when I am wrong... God bless his soul for putting up with my madness and loving me so much through thick and thin.
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Mommy and Haidan's first Road-trip!!!
Wednesday July 11th (also Haidan's two month birthday!! INSANE right?) we drove all the way (3 hours) to Peterborough to visit my Grandparents and Gramma, Haidan's Great-Grandparents. I was super excited because he is the first Great-Grandchild on both sides of my family (even though I'm the youngest on both sides... hmm?) and this is the first time all of them will see him in real life form!
Haidan's two month comparison. This was his first onesie after his first bath at about 14hrs old...and 2 months old
Happy Two Month Birthday Bubba!
The trip usually takes 3-3.5 hours and on the way there we had a great drive! Haidan slept 2hrs then we stopped for an hour to feed and stretch, then continued on our way. Total drive time = 4hrs. This shot is in the car at our first stop. Happy little clam!
First time meeting Grannie (my moms mom)
Haidan and his Great Grandpa. He really loved the new face and voice!
Standing for GG
Our first night was a huge success. I wish I could take this bed home with me! We both slept soo well, Haidan even slept on his own in the bed for an hour after I woke up!!! Isn't this a cute shot!
Then Haidan met my Gramma (my dads mom)
I think he likes how old people decorate, lots of shit on the walls and wall paper etc. Great stuff to examine!
Looks like he has a mohawk! Just a little babe in a biiig bed.
On our way home was a complete disaster. To make a really long, upsetting story short... Haidan cried every hour and screamed and we had to stop and it took 6hrs to get home. I've never heard a shrill cry so god aweful and it made me cry too :(
I give myself credit for trying a solo car trip, but must admit that I wont be trying it again any time soon!
On our way home was a complete disaster. To make a really long, upsetting story short... Haidan cried every hour and screamed and we had to stop and it took 6hrs to get home. I've never heard a shrill cry so god aweful and it made me cry too :(
I give myself credit for trying a solo car trip, but must admit that I wont be trying it again any time soon!
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Body Image...dun dun duunnn
A woman's body is one really amazing thing. Weather it be big or small, short or tall, all (or most) of these amazing bodies can make a human being from scratch. Bones, eyes, lungs, brains, skin, finger nails, HAIR?! All from something in our body, how freakin cool is that?
I give my body credit for making one super-cute-adorable-squishy-delicious baby, but a girl can want more right? When I found out I was pregnant I also found out that I was 10lbs heavier than I've ever been in my life... then I gained 40lbs. HA... great right? So that's 50lbs that I would like to loose... good friggin luck kid, goooood luck! Here are some pictures from how my big ol body has changed since having Haidan...
I think the hardest part about body image post pregnancy is that if I had gained weight from eating too many delicious treats, I would say "Ok fatty let's get our big butt to the gym NOW!" but with a newborn baby and seemingly no time on your hands it's hard to actually get to the gym (weather it be in your building or not).(I'm 24 gosh-darnit, I'm not ready to let myself go!!!) It's been pretty hard for me to accept that it's ok that I don't go to the gym every day, and that when I do get to go I need to make the best of it and kick ass (mine). I wish I could say the pounds just melted off with breastfeeding, but I think that because my body is producing hormones to fatten this baby up, that maybe I'm not droppin the lbs as quickly. Does that mean I will stop breastfeeding? No, because then I would feel SUPER selfish. Am I happy with how my body looks? No, but that will take time and the more pressure I put on myself the less gets done. That being said I try my darndest to stay positive but it's hard, I've never felt so incredibly gross in my own skin and I'm funny because I don't care about what other people think, but I care what I think other people think... does that even make sense? NO!
I have accepted that I won't be wearing a bathing suit in public, that I need to workout as much as motherly possible (because being a mother and being a human is DIFFERENT I sware!), and that it will take time. Time damnit, it sucks!
I will say, I have bought my first pair of "goal" jeans. They're size 11 from Bluenotes (the teenie-bopper store that I love) and I would like to fit into them by fall. They're super cute and I'm excited for the day I can get them past my knees! HA I also measured myself July 1st and intend to measure on the first of every month to compare the differences instead of using the ol scale... Wish me luck.
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