Day 1 Week 2

I don't really like this whole work out to be skinny thing. It kind of really isn't fun, and is hard, and kinda makes a bitch out of me. I mean, who really WANTS to workout all the damn time and sweat and never wear make up or have your hair done nice (because I quite frankly don't have time for that anymore...) and then not reward all your hard work with a cupcake or ice cream or chocolate? People actually enjoy this? OH wait, I used to be one of those people. 

 Thats the 22 flights of stairs I'm back to doing every other day after the gym... gurrrr

Don't get me wrong I have always loved cake and ice cream and sweets of any sort, but I used to really love working out and being active. What's changed? ME... my life, my priorities, my stamina, etc etc amen. I remember the good ol days when I worked for GoodLife at night (5pm-12pm) and I had all day to sleep in a little, work out for 2-3 hours doing a little cardio, a class, some weights, whatever I felt like! I felt SO good about myself and didn't see it as "working out", but more as "going to the gym to see my friends". Then when I started working at lululemon my love for fitness fit right in! AND I got to go to MORE classes and expand my fitness horizon. Now I just don't have hours on end to go and do fun things at the gym. I know what you're thinking: "Stephanie, you need to start making time for yourself you know" but it's not that easy!
WAIT
One of my new years resolutions was to stop complaining. So this isn't a complaint but just an observation. Life isn't the same, and thank goodness it isn't, because now I have a wonderful (sick, sleepy, cranky) perfect little baby who thinks I'm the coolest thing in the whole wide world. THAT is pretty great! 
Ok now back to "going to the gym".....

New Years Resolutions 2013

Day 1 week 1:
Today sucked. 
I mean it was a beautiful sunny day outside (not that I left the house at all...) and after a fun gathering of friends the night before we all got a decent sleep. Today was the first day of operation "no more flabby mommy" and it was not fun my friend. We woke up at 8:45am, headed to the gym in our building for a half hour cardio session, ate a delicious breakfast, cleaned the house, and by 1pm Haidan and I were both ready for a serious nap. Slept from 1-3:40pm then got at gym session number two of the day (weights and abs) and had another delicious meal.
I mean, I shouldn't really be complaining (one of my many new years resolutions) because I have a hubby who likes to cook delicious and healthy meals and train my big butt. I love that he is so willing to help me, but I hate that he's so damn good at it. I know it will get better, but seeing that light at the end of the tunnel is hard. Sometimes harder when you're trying to take care of a sick baby.
I think the big part of my misery today (and let me admit, I was a bitch today. Sorry Wayne!!) was that I knew "I'm on a diet, I'm hungry" I kept saying to myself. Was I really hungry? Or was I just thinking of all the delicious foods I will be trying SO SO SO hard not to eat for the coming year. Damnit I want cake and ice cream every day! Is that so bad? Yes.
Well that's all I have to say about that. (Thanks Gump!) (I also have to help my sick-ie baby and try to figure out how I'm going to start his routine again, and try to wean the boob, and get him sleeping in his crib and......)

Honest Monday

Today was a rough day, I don't know what it was about today but it was rough. Yesterday was not only Remembrance day, but also Haidan's 6 MONTH BIRTHDAY!!! WOW as if right? I seriously can't get over it... but moving on, let's get to the point here. I'm going to be honest...

I'm still living in September, back when Wayne was away for work for almost two straight weeks and I haven't worked out since then. I had convinced myself that I was ok with not working out and was feeling great because I was feeling a different kind of energized. I feel like I've been living my life a lot more and enjoying time with Haidan and our new mommy-baby friends every day. I've been finding new activities every day to do with Haidan and have truly been enjoying that. BUT... (my big ol butt) I'm not getting any smaller and I haven't been achieving any goals, and I'm starting to feel shitty again. I think about when I was pregnant (or even in the few weeks post post-partum) and I would say "OH by the time Haidan is 6 months I'll be so skinny again..." Yeah. friggin. right. friend.
Tomorrow I am getting back to the gym. I have been eating fairly healthily as I always do, but that's just not enough. I feel like this is a battle I might just be fighting for the rest of my years... is the light ever going to be at the end of this fatso tunnel? Gurr... 
I think another reason why I suddenly feel like crap is also because I'm getting married in 5 weeks and I KNOW that I won't look my greatest in pictures that are going to be shown for the rest of my life (and photo shop can only do so much... ha). I want Haidan to look back at pictures of our little city hall wedding and say "WOW mom you looked great!" but I know that won't happen... unless I get fatter by the time he would ever say that about me haha...
I miss my lululemon life that was full of working out either in sweet gyms, at the yoga studio of my choice, on a run with my friends or Wayne, etc etc... all things I am not doing. I used to set goals and achieve them. I used to strive to be an amazing person every single day. I used to try to inspire those around me. I used to dream big and shoot for the stars... I used to be a different person. My life has changed a lot, and I know that it's something that was obviously bound to happen (espicially since having a beautiful baby is WAY different than anything I've ever done) but sometimes I think about how much I wish I could have just a little bit of it back. I look at pictures of myself (when I thought I was fat then...) and think WOW I look so damn small... not encouraging to say the least but in a weird twisted way it is a little bit of an inspiration. If only I could get to the gym as much as I would like... 

Here are my new goals that I am going to try my hardest to achieve.

• Work out for a total of 150 minutes each week (That's 2.5 hours in a 6 day week... sundays off!)
• Sweat once a day
• Maintain my Haidan-mommy adventure activities each week
• Register for a running room half marathon clinic (18 week training program)
• Breath and let go. Live in the moment and don't dwell on the past
• Choose happiness each day (even when the fussy boy comes and invades my beautiful little baby's body over night)
• LET GO

I feel like these might be silly but they might just help.... I am also going to register for the lululemon sea wheeze half marathon that will be August 10th 2013 in vancouver. I CANT WAIT because I've never been out west, and what better reason to go than the most amazing half marathon of my life. I know I can do it because I've done it before (and more) so the training begins tomorrow. ( Tonight, I eat pasta and bread and beer)

Emotions

I'm sure I've said this about a dozen times already but so far, motherhood is more like the puberty I never hit as a teenager. Acne, gross and weird hair, growing boobs, growing body in weird lumpy ways, and best of all... the mood swinging emotions.
First I want to mention the beautiful, amazing Sydney and her post here: Blerg when I read this I was all like "OMG WHAT?! I'm not the only one? Really? Really is this true? But she makes it look so easy, and she's so skinny, and she's in so many beautiful photos, and I totally envy her!!!" Which was a really cool feeling to have! 
The emotions that come with motherhood can be intense and at times hard to deal with. Everyone feels emotional, but sometimes it's so weird to feel elated and happy and then so upset about something only hours apart. It is totally normal, but I'm sure that I'm not that only one that has thought "man, am I going crazy?" Life is full of new things every day, and just like every other person in the world (baby in tow or not) some days are way better than others. Spit up on a bad day, then a poop blow out, then an unhappy baby that just won't settle, then no food in the fridge, then a rude person on the sidewalk, then..... it can add up fast! I've had a few days that I just have to let myself have a cry and let it out. I'm not afraid to admit that... because after all I'm human, a human that MADE a human and sometimes we both aren't on the same page. And after all, it takes time to get to know each other (he has his own personality after all). I know I'm not the only person out there, the only mother out there... Right? (DONT get me started on my body...it's STILL an ARGH but I'm not going to go there...ugh)
After all, us mommy friends... we gotta stick together and support each other. I'm so happy that I've found a few new great mommy friends and am able to get out of the house and go to "Mom Club" (I don't know if that's the actual name of it, but that's what I refer to it as) every Thursday morning. It usually turns into a great morning/afternoon full of walking around the Glebe and enjoying treats of all sorts. What I love most is that we talk about everything under the sun. Judgements aside we discuss all kinds of baby junk (see: poop, feeding, boobs, labor, husbands, neighbourhoods, life etc) and I really truly feel supported. Plus my mommy-friend and I also walk to the meeting so we get that extra 40min to and from the meeting to chat about our new life!
Motherhood can be a roller coaster, and sometimes it's good to have a friend beside you that knows all about what you're talking about. 
So thank you mommy friends... where ever you are out there, THANK YOU :)

It gets better

I can't believe I'm going to say this but, like that woman at my very first lactation drop in said, IT GETS BETTER!

Thank heavens because for some, those first few weeks can be pretty rough (anyone remember my breastfeeding post? uh yeaaah)! I can't believe that this little boy is already 5 months old. FIVE MONTHS, it's been since my life changed completely, since I was about 30lbs heavier, since I had any kind of freedom from this house, since my boobs were a normal size (for me anyways), since I slept 8+ hours straight, since I enjoyed my bed all to myself, since I've been able to be completely selfish, since I've read a book (ha!), since I met the love of a life time! 

It seems cleche to say, but he really is the love of my life. I read a post of a good friend of mine that said "Children are the anchors that hold a mother to life" so beautiful! I know this might seem obvious, but I just was thinking the other day that for the rest of my LIFE I will have a son named Haidan. ISNT THAT AMAZING!!! I look into his dreamy eyes and think, "Wow boy, you and me have a long fun road a head of us" it's so fun to think about all the things he will learn and all the things I need to teach. (All of which I am scared shitless about screwing up, but I know it will be ok)

I look at new parents and think, wow, once I thought this was really hard. Every day it's gotten easier and more fun. Mind you some days I'm ready to stay in the shower until the screaming stops, but those days we fill with extra fun things (usually ends in ____colate). I really do enjoy life with Haidan, and can't imagine any other way, in fact sometimes I forget what it was like... being alone, showering alone, walking the dog alone, talking about worldly things with W.

I also wanted to give a little update while I can about my fitness/goals/body image issues. While W was on pretty much two weeks of work trips, I didn't force myself to figure out a way to keep my workouts going. Instead I focused on doing lots of fun things with Haidan that were outside of the house. That included little driving trips so that he would get used to the car in small doses (which so far has totally paid off! FINALLY), trips to the library, walks along the canal, walks to the glebe community center "Mom club", and making new mommy friends. I can say with SO MUCH confidence and joy, that I have never felt better. I was getting pretty tired of kicking my ass every day and not seeing quick amazing results... and unfortunately when I measured myself October 1st I hadn't lost ANY inches (first time since July that I haven't lost a single inch... gurr). So maybe this self image thing that I had going on in the summer months has faded because of the new amazing beautiful fall weather, or maybe because I finally am living guilt free? Who knows, but all that matters is that I feel great and maybe one day will get back to the gym. I left off at week 4 of the Jamie Eason Phase 1... I'd like to get back to that but we'll see what the future holds... tomorrow.

Anyways this is turning into a bit of a ramble sesh... I'm going to stop here and just say THANK GOODNESS it gets better. And "This too shall pass" so live in the moment friends because every moment counts!

Choices

I'm going to write a really quick, really controversial post before W goes on a trip (and while he watches 60 minutes with Haidan babe). If you don't agree with my choices, I understand, but if you have nothing nice to say don't say it at all (Please and thank you).

Four years ago on my 20th birthday I celebrated by going out for dinner with all my closest girlfriends, where I had 5 billinis with double shots etc etc you know the story. A few weeks later I found out that I was pregnant. As you can imagine, this was a HUGE surprise because I had just moved home and had decided to start a fresh new life without my ex. Here I was with his baby, stuck between a rock and a hard place. The very long story short I had to make a decision:
Live with a baby with a person that was emotionally (and border line physically) abusive, who I knew deep down wasn't good for me (or for that baby), with $10 000 of student debt, not done my college diploma yet, not a job in sight, and living with my mother in her spare bedroom on a pull out couch. 
OR
Do the unthinkable and terminate my pregnancy.

You may or may not know that I come from a family of teachers, I have loved children my whole life, I never thought that I would be put in a situation like that, and never thought I would have made the choice I did. But I did. The end.

Every now and then I think about what my life would have been like. Living with a person who was toxic, with no job or income in our family, miserable because we were stuck in a relationship that I/we didn't want to be in, with a 4 year old (now). WHO knows what really would have happened but every day that I have a hard day with Haidan I thank my brain and heart for being strong and making the choice I did. I am thankful that I am able to make that choice legally, and that it was an easy process (in the grand scheme of things anyways) (by no means am I saying that it was easy physically or mentally, please understand that it is THE hardest thing that I have and will ever have to do), and that I have a happy healthy relationship with the most amazing man alive.

I know now that my relationship with my parents would not be what it is now. I know that I would have probably slipped easily into depression and would not have been as great of a mom as I would have needed to be. I would not have had the amazing job opportunities that I have had. I would not have met the man of my dreams. I would not live where I'm living. I would not be as happy as I am. I would be resentful and miserable.
Yes it wasn't an ideal situation, I believe I am a stronger person because of it.

The point of this post is to be honest and open about my past. When I complain about how hard things can be with Haidan, there is always the thought in my mind about HOW MUCH harder it could have been. I am not always proud of my decision but now I know, more than ever, that it absolutely was the right decision for me to make at that point in my life. I don't want to seem like I am trying to influence anyone's decisions, that isn't my intention at all. I just wanted to share how thankful I am to have the life I do.

Momma Bear's Goals (strictly personal)

Here it is friends, I have defined and refined my goals. I've been struggling feeling like I'm getting my shit together... I guess that's life with a baby though. Do you ever really feel like your shit is together? Ducks in any kind of line? Meh I'm kinda over ever feeling like that because I've realized that it will come one day and on that day, I will look in the mirror (or maybe at W, to feel a little less crazy) and LAUGH. 
I wrote some goals when I was pregnant, for myself, for my family, etc. And I have had only one amazing friend (Thanks miss Tara Prue) actually hold me accountable! Where is my support team? It's ok, I forgive y'all, I know life gets in the way sometimes and before you know it it's been four months! YIKES right?! Here are my new goals, short sweet and simple.

• 20 minutes of cardio (elliptical or treadmill up hill) every morning with ab work.
• 20 minute of cardio (eppiptical or treadmill up hill) every evening with Jaime Eason's 12 week body building program (Finished Novemeber 26th)
• Clean eating (90% paleo)
• Massage once every 2 weeks (or maybe once a month... depends on how I feel)
• Mani/Pedi once a month
• Date night with Wayne once a week (dinner and a movie?)

My goal is to fit into my $10 goal jeans by November 26th, I would like to be at my goal weight by then too but I'm not sure if it's realistic... hmm

Pics to follow, my phone is acting up....

I love and appriciate all the support and encouragement xo